Zane's Big Break...life with the cast begins

So I left off with us getting into a room for the night. Sadly no one got any rest because as we all know, a hospital is the very last place one can truly rest. Zane was having breakthrough pain between the 4 hour dosings of the Oxycodone, for which they were giving him morphine. Sure he was quiet and trying to sleep, but he would relax, move his leg slightly and jar himself awake and in pain. Or someone would come in to check him or the boy in the next bed. Or a machine somewhere would alarm. Or the intercom would crackle an announcement of a fire drill. Something. This went on all night, I know because I sat at his bedside, sideways in the "sleep chair" with my hands folded on the bedrail and my chin on top of them. My Mom sat in the other straight back chair with a blanket around her and her head on the extra pillow laying on the foot of the bed. Each time Zane would wake up, he would be scared and cry so I was keeping alert to try and soothe him right away, let him know Mom was there. During all of this time, he did get meds, as I mentioned. Thank God I was paying attention to this because around 6am a nurse came in for the other boy and I asked her if she could let our nurse know he was seeming to be in pain and needed something, and it was time for his Oxycodone again. Instead of that, she got the meds and came in with the syringe to administer the dose. She was literally 3 inches from his mouth (liquid meds, not injectable) when I noticed the dose. She dropped the syringe onto the bed just as I reached to grab her hand - mind you her other hand had his mouth ready for her to squirt it in. I grabbed the syringe and told her "NO! This is NOT his meds, this is way too much do NOT give this to him!" She looked at me like I was nuts but said she would double check. She came back in and said, "Oh yeah, you were right. I thought the chart said 7ml so that is what I drew but his dose is 1ml" ...Yeah, you read that right. She almost gave him 7x the prescribed dose of a controlled narcotic. Thing is, for her to draw that dose, she had to enter it into a computer, which would then alert her to the change in dose since the last time and ask her to confirm the increase. I try very hard not to think how things might have gone.

Moving on, the gentleman who brought the breakfast tray in was incredibly nice and I have to say, the food smelled amazing, but Zane would not eat any. I had a juice cup I tossed into the tote bag from home and he only asked for juice so I gave him that. He chugged down 2 full juice cups, about 6oz per cup full, in record time. I called for Daddy to come up around 8am as we had a few things to go over with the care and maintenance of the cast as well as of Zane while he is in it. We watched a video, narrated by Dr Woo (remember that name for later) which honestly was no more than we had been told already but I get that they have to have some measure of saying you were "trained". Nurse Mary came in and showed me briefly how to change his diaper and while I did pay attention, I have no idea what she did or said. Some ladies from Child Protection Services came by to interview us AGAIN. They were nicer than the other lady but still annoyed me. Daddy and Macy wandered about and finally found the play area where there were two ladies helping kids make crafts. That was a lifesaver for us as Macy was bored stiff. Lunch came, smelling better than breakfast had and again, Zane refused even the mac and cheese but he drank some juice and chocolate milk. At Daddy's insistence I ate some of the lunch and I can tell you it was very good. I did not eat much, my tummy was not ready for food yet. We were visited by a very nice lady who loaned us a special car seat designed for kids in spica casts and she helped Lon put it into the van in place of Zane's carseat. She said that since they called for her, surely we would be discharged in short order. 4 hours later, we were. It was 5:30pm when we hit the road for home, 27 hours after arriving. We had a prescription to fill for his pain meds, I did get them to give him a dose just before we left, to be sure we had time to do all the shifting and shuffling. Good thing.

We stopped at Jonesville Publix to get the Rx filled. It was just before 6 now, keep in mind. I hand off the written info to the tech and she reads it, looks worried and walks to the pharmacist to confer. They both come back over and say that they cannot fill this Rx as there is no strength indicated on the instructions and it is too late to call the Dr for this info. I advised them of the situation and that there would indeed be some sort of pain meds given for this child TONIGHT even if that meant a partial fill and I come back in the morning for the rest. The Pharmacist asked me to give her 20 minutes and she would see what she could do. What she did was use her best judgment on the strength per dose and sent me on my way. We finally got him home about 7pm and then discovered the fun of life with this cast.

I could barely pick him up, the cast is wide and heavy and I am short with short arms. I can't reach around him and lifting him is hard for me. Daddy will do the lifting for now. We took inside all the folded blankets and pillows that they packed into the red wagon for us to take him out of the hospital in - yes, I took the damn pillows and blankets but left the wagon. We have one. We did not have the extra pillows and blankets tho. It took a few tries to get a place set up for him on the couch, but we did it. It took both of us to change him for the first few days, but we did that too. After a trip to CVS to buy adult diapers and some pantiliners and sanitary pads as was suggested to use inside his regular sized diapers, which have to be tucked under the edges of the cast, I came home and we decided to try it their way. Yeah that way sucked. I got online and read everything I could read about the care of children in these casts and with that knowledge, tackled it a new way. Mind you we did it their way long enough to know it was just not going to work for us, about 2-3 days. Once we tried the stuff I came up with, life got MUCH easier with this contraption and continues to be less of a pain in the neck now. With my way, he can actually be dressed and look somewhat normal and not have a disgusting looking adult diaper wrapped around the outside of the cast. I shared this info with the Ortho clinic staff.

The meds issue was good and bad. I still have no idea if the Rx was filled as intended because he was seeming to be in pain even a few days later. I called in and was advised to give Ibuprofen between Rx doses to control it. The other thing is, the Rx causes constipation so now he has a whole new issue of pain to deal with. One thing I can assure you is you do NOT want an explosive diaper while in this cast. After speaking with the nurse again, we tried some OTC meds that eventually did the job, so we're all good there. He was not helping by refusing to eat and drinking sparingly. You ever try to rationalize with a 2 year old? He will win. I did score by giving him V8 Fusion juice - you know the one that advertises a day's worth of fruits and veggies per serving - so at least he was getting nutrients. He was fine with, and continues to chug down, chocolate milk. I no longer care that he is being spoiled, I just wanted something going into his belly. We added the Pedia Sure drink with Fiber to help things out, but he caught on and refused the chocolate milk with that stuff mixed in. Oh well.

A full day at home and we found an issue with the cast. Thankfully the Ortho clinic was able to get us in right then so we sped off to see them and had about 1/5 inches trimmed off of the top of the right leg side. It was kind of high and pressing into, shall we say a "delicate area" for him. The cast tech there, Lindsey, he may go on our Christmas card list. He was SO helpful with showing us tricks and tips and alleviated some fears we had with handling Zane as well. He is amazing at what he does. Cannot find enough good stuff to say about Lindsey. Found out that transporting with the wagon is a huge pain in the butt, there has to be a better way!!! Leave it to me and the internet, I will find something!!

We have his first Orthopedic appointment on the 2 week mark of being in the cast. We will see Dr Woo (yes, he did the video) and we're hoping for the best. Until then all we can do is the best we can do and hope it isn't too terribly wrong. Oh yeah, we did have a stroller that actually works for him so I got the person who borrowed that a while back to return it and that has been GREAT! He likes to sit in that and it is much easier than the big wagon. He will be able to go out much more often using that and I know that will be far better than being house bound all the time he is also confined in the cast.

Life WILL get better, things will improve and maybe we will have good news from Dr Woo on the 23rd. Please?

Zane's Big Break

My little boy fell at home, just off of a step stool designed to help kids get onto the potty which is maybe 6" tall and has grippy feet. I was in our bathroom when he apparently decided to go potty by himself, and tho I am not certain how he did it, he fell. I got to him after hearing the scream and Macy coming to get me to say he was hurt. He was laying on the floor, crying inconsolably but there was nothing apparent that hurt. I lifted him up, tried to get him to stand and that elicited more screams, so I picked him up and took him to his room. I laid him on his bed, finished undressing him, which meant removing his shirt as he had taken off everything else in the bathroom. I got a clean diaper and put on him, feeling an odd 'click' in his right leg when I did so. Given the intensity of the crying that followed, I figured he had possibly dislocated his hip, so I only put the diaper on, handed him his "Fluppy Dog" and covered him with a blanket. I flexed his ankles, and that was fine, as were shoulders (remember there is NO mark on him to indicate what the issue was) and he was ok as long as I did not touch his right leg above the knee. I called Daddy, who had JUST left about 5 minutes before Zane fell, and said "You need to get back home. Zane is hurt and I think its bad, we need to take him to the ER." Daddy was northbound on I-75 so no real way to make a U-turn, but assured me he would be back as soon as he could get here. Since the crying had calmed down some, I thought it best to leave him there, safe and warm and seemingly happier while I investigated what happened. I walked into the bathroom to see the stool was wet, likely he tried to pee in the big potty and missed, and all around the toilet was wet and his clothes were in a pile where he removed each item. I cleaned up the wet stuff, picked up his clothes and went back to his room. As soon as I walked in, he tried to get up but ended up crying again with sheer agony written all over him. I called Daddy again, he assured me he was less than 10 minutes from home. I had Macy pack herself some quiet toys in her tote bag, explaining we had to take Zane to the hospital and only quiet toys were allowed there. I packed Zane's tote, no toys but with slip-on shoes and some clean, dry clothes. I was pretty sure he had dislocated his hip given the pain when it was moved, the clicking feel and how he was lying when I got to him. Daddy pulled in and we were actually able to get Zane into his carseat, just could not buckle the crotch latch. A risk I was willing to take. Loaded everyone into the momvan and by God we WENT to Shands like a bat out of hell. Thank you God for keeping us safe on that drive. We get there, I did not know the ER had moved so I am banging U-turns, then searching for parking in a seemingly tiny lot. Thankfully we found a spot, got out and I carried Zane into the building. With each step I made on my left foot, the side I was holding him on, he would whimper. Inside we were triaged fairly fast and sent to the Peds waiting area. It felt like a 30 minute wait, but may have been 5. Get into an exam room, go over everything that has happened. They prep him with an IV and did preliminary exams, noting his pain level each time his right leg was touched. I explained my theory of a displaced hip and they agreed it was possible, but they needed X-rays to confirm. Sure, go take X-rays, then lets get the joint put back into place, a quick shot of pain meds and orders to take it easy so we can go home. The Dr walked back in and the look on her face told me it was not a dislocated hip. My little boy had broken his leg. Badly. A spiral fracture. I felt like someone hit me in the gut with a shovel. How in the world did his leg BREAK from a 6" fall?? How was it not something minor?? How did I not know this and suddenly the memory of the 'click' in his leg when I diapered him hit me full force. Oh my God...had I made it worse? The Dr positioned herself in front of me, looking at me and said "this is not a simple injury. It is bad, it will be hard on him and on you. Brace yourself for all I am about to tell you." and I don't think I heard her entirely after that because all I could see in my mind was his little face when I touched his leg or moved him and the level of pain finally registered with me. I paid attention again when she said they were required by State law to report the injury to DCF. DCF?? Why?? He fell off of a stool, no one did this to him. It was an accident. She went on to tell me they were going to be at the hospital shortly and I needed to compose myself to talk with them. She also said they needed more X-rays so I sent Daddy with Zane to keep him settled. The look on Daddy's face when he returned, along with the clear signs he had been crying about as hard as Zane had, told me it was good I did not go with him. I would have punched someone. They took a total of about 25 X-rays, head to toe, and moving him this and that way - with NO pain meds for him. He was in agony. The Dr came back in, explained to us that he would have to be put under, using Ketamine, and have the bone reduced and set in something called a SPICA cast. She went over the risks involved in total sedation, but explained there was no alternative given what they had to do to get his leg set correctly. I nodded and signed, hoping for the best. They had us wait for the Peds trauma room to be free, and wheeled us over to wait for the teams to do this. Oh and during all of this, I called my Aunt, had her come pick Macy up and take her to her house first, then home to wait for us so Macy would be in her own room and so forth. Mind you, my Aunt lives about 2 blocks from me so this was not a huge imposition. With Macy safely taken care of, our focus turned to Zane. Then the call came down that the trauma room would not be ours just yet, so back to the exam room we went. DCF showed up, in all her glory. She was not unpleasant but her tone and leading manner were very annoying. The huge ACSO deputy with her kept me from telling her that I did in fact question her heritage by suggesting her parents either never married or were closely related. She interviewed me for almost 30 minutes. Then she asked me to go get Lon and send him to the little room, where he was asked less than 5 questions. We're waiting more now. Ortho Drs have stopped by, finally gave Zane some morphine and got his leg into a splint so he would stop trying to use it and create more pain. This was about 7:30. We got there at 2:30. Five hours of prodding and moving with nothing for pain and I am being interviewed for possible abuse? We got called back to Peds Trauma, where I knelt and prayed for a good 10 minutes solid. I just wanted him to be out of pain and only they could do that. Half of the team showed up, we were all set save for Ortho and we got the call. There had been an accident. A bad one. A guy had a badly mangled leg, with his motorcycle embedded into much of it. All Ortho hands on deck for this one. We got bumped, again. This time we went to something called Minor Care. It's now after 9 and he has had one dose of 1ml of morphine in all this time. Zane was exhausted. Every time he would fall asleep, he would relax and his leg would move, hurt, startle him and he would tense all limbs, creating more pain....it was a vicious cycle. Lon decided to go home to be with Macy. My Mom, who has worked at Shands for 20+ years was with Zane and I and he figured she could do me more good than he could. He went home but asked me to call and update him with what happened. It was about 11:45 when we were called back to Peds trauma, with the promise that it would happen this time. I did my best to comfort Zane as they prepped the room and equipment around him. When everyone finally showed, anesthesia walked in and told me what to expect, said "Lets do this" and in under 2 minutes my son was out. He looked like he had died. Eyes open but fixed, just one minute moving some and whimpering and BAM - out. That freaked me the hell out. Mom took me out of the room and I asked to go outside. I was losing it and I wanted no one around to see that happen. I called Lon once I regained my composure, told him they were finally getting him set and in the cast. He asked me what time it was - almost 2am. Twelve hours ago, we were flying to the ER and they were only just now getting him set. Mom and I went back inside as it was quite chilly that night. I asked her to direct me to a soda machine, I needed caffeine badly. We got drinks and went back to a waiting room, the same one I had sat in with DCF and the Deputy but this time was just us. She saw an intern she knew and asked him to look in on the procedure to see how it was going. He came back with, "It should not be long, but definitely stay here" with a nod to me and a slight shake of his head. A few more people came by that Mom knew, each of them expressing their thoughts and prayers for Zane. I could not tell you their names, aside from Marcus who was the one to check on things. Finally we were called into the room we had been in and out of several times waiting our turn. I knew what they explained to me, but it did not prepare me for seeing him. He is not a big boy, only weighed 28lbs (roughly, he would not let go of his Fluppy Dog to be weighed and to this very day some 10 days later he still has not) but he looked SO tiny and helpless. Then I realized he was still out, and asked why we were called in if he was not awake. I know the nurse did not intend to scare me, but she did. She said "We can't get him to come around and wanted to see if he will wake up for you". I of course heard nothing after "We can't get him to come around" and my heart about fell on the floor. I went to him, stroked his hair, his face, chest all while calling his name. Nothing. I resorted to the old knuckle in the breastbone and just barely a flicker. After about 10 minutes, his eyes opened. Thank you God, his eyes opened. All we were waiting on now was a bed assignment. As luck would have it, part of my Mom's job is bed control so she marched out of the room, got on an internal phone for about 5 minutes then came back to the trauma room. She told the nurse, "We will have a bed in less than 15 minutes" and in about 10, her cell rang and she was told he would be in 4539A. When the transport people came to move him, they didn't even know but were waiting on a page with the room number. Mom told them she knew and lets get him out of here so we went. Turns out we went under Archer Road, thru "the tunnel" and took him into the original building - we had been in the new tower where the ER moved to - but I didn't even realize all this. We got him into his room, the page came as we were in the hallway and sure enough, 4539A it was. Imagine that. The nurses got him settled into the bed, did his vitals and left. The charge nurse came and told us where we could get food and drink, brought extra blankets and left us for the night. Of course it was about 3:45am so it was almost over, but it was nice of them to try and let us adjust. There is more, but that will follow. This has wiped me out to re-live.

The law of averages is corrupt. I am pretty sure that if it adhered to actual averages, I would have a job by now. I have applied to no less than 118 jobs since we moved back home - and yes, I did get one offer from Wal Mart, but for less money than it would cost me to accept it (daycare, gas) so that would not really benefit us. I would love to be able to get out there and do a face to face application, but then I run into the situation of what to do with the kids during this time? Hubby works from home, yes, but he has to actually be able to work and not have 2 kids competing for his attention or trying to kill each other in the background. We can't have his work disrupted because it is our only income so I am in that old catch 22 loop. What exactly am I to do now? We have no health insurance, income is just barely covering living expenses and I can't seem to find anything to help. I even tried to apply online for a prep job at McDonald's but it will not accept applications using the browser we have...WTH?? The pressure is mounting to be sure and I can feel myself heading back into the abyss of depression because of this. Nothing like being made to feel like you are not worthy by dozens of employers a day to keep you down!! Work from home would be amazingly ideal, but I have yet to come across any of those offers that are legit. Everything asks for a fee of some sort to sign up and you know, that is a huge red flag. If I had money to toss around, I would not be looking for a job! I have to find an outlet to let me vent and kick and scream, and then hopefully to allow me to find that I am still the person I always was, and that I am worthy of having a job and doing my part to provide for my family. Hell, I can't even go back to school thanks to a fraudulent student loan obtained in my name almost 20 years ago that is now very delinquent. I can't seem to get anywhere with the department of education by explaining to them that I graduated from the school in question and did not use more than one loan - even when I provided a copy of my diploma. The school sent me copies of the "records" and the signatures on the 2 applications are so clearly NOT the same, it is sad. It is more than frustrating and now it is keeping me from furthering my education and training in a hope to do more for my family. Nice. Okay, I am done. I am just gonna go sit over there in the corner for a while.

Welcome back!

Wow, over six months since I last felt the need to rant?? That has to be a record!! Ok so in that time, a LOT has changed for us. We moved, finally!! I can't even say how good it is to be back home and with "my peeps" again. I feel like the old me is coming forth again and I can't wait for her to get here full time. The move itself was rough, involved a great deal of last minute unplanned stuff, including needing 2 trucks to get us here - good lord do we have a lot of STUFF. It was great to have a friend come stay with us down there for a week and help with the packing and moving up. I guess maybe my friends missed me as much as I missed them if some were willing to give up their time like that. I still feel miserable for having to leave behind the outdoor kitties I had adopted in Nokomis. I worry for them all and hope the neighbors who assured me they would feed them are able to do so. Those poor kitties were abandoned before me and now I feel no better than those people who did that. I hope the kitties can forgive me for that. We found a great home in a great neighborhood with lots of kids around and close to what we need, but not too close. When the time comes for Macy to start school, we can simply walk down the sidewalk to the elementary school which is awesome! For that matter, if we stay here long enough, the middle and high schools are walking distance. I would like to think we will one day be able to buy another home, one we intend to stay in and can afford. This is a nice area to live in and likely we would look in the same neighborhood. I think keeping some distance between me and shopping is a GOOD idea so here is smart. I had not given much thought to the differences in Nokomis/Sarasota/Venice,we'll call it "there", and Newberry/Chiefland/Gainesville which we'll call "here". There, I had a Publix and CVS in walking distance which was great. Here, It is a 7 mile drive to those. There I had Bealls Outlet stores, Babies R Us, 2 Target stores and a Super Target, more Wal Marts than anyone needs- all were Super Wal Marts in fact - a nice TJ Maxx/HomeGoods, a nice Big Lots and multiple gas stations. Here, one each Wal Mart (not super), Target, Bealls Outlet, TJ Maxx (which sucks) and gas station...unless I wish to drive more than 20 miles. Wow. Driving that far there would put me in the middle of a whole new set of mulitple stores. Oh, and a nice mall there that was 1/2 mile from one of the Target and the BRU stores. The mall here...well...is less than inspiring. I do like that it has a Traffic, even though I have no need to buy those shoes, I love that they have them and at prices I can deal with. The Macy's here is getting better. The Toys R Us is not so hot but its all we have. I am so thrilled to get to spend time with my friends now. Even those who have a short drive up here, they still do it and we get to hang out. I have had 2 pedicures since moving home- that is a record for me! Yes, a luxury but oh what a wonderful thing. Went to 2 Moms Night Out events, those were fun. Nice to get out with the girls and relax. Hubby and I finally went out too! Once for our anniversary, to an old haunt, on New Year's Eve. The name on the sign changed, but that is all. Saw some old friends there too. We also went out to watch the Sugar Bowl, which was the best damned Gator game I think we watched all year. Such fun to get out there, but yes it was kind of budget killing. We will survive, always do. I did a LOT of baking (for me) over the holidays, and some good cooking too. Now it is time to get my butt moving and remove a few hundred cookies from it. I do love the cooking, just wish someone would eat it besides me. I actually made some burnt cookies for a very special old friend - yes he requested BURNT cookies. Can't even tell you how hard it was for me to burn cookies. What can I say, I love my friends and will do most anything for them. Now its time for me to get back to being me. I know, this was not my usual sarcastic commentary on the everyday but I had to say all of this. I will get back on track, promise! Know that I love each of you guys who read this, you keep me hopeful that maybe one day I will write something amazing. You can say you knew me when. Maybe I will burn some cookies for you too.

I owe my sole to Dr Scholl

Okay, almost at the two week mark and I have hit another roadblock...well, speed bump. Again with the blisters! This time my entire pinky toe is encompassed by 2 blisters and the other foot has a big one just where my toes are hooked onto my foot. OW! Being the internet junkie I am, I decided to go online and see how to treat and then prevent further blisters from happening. If you have researched anything online, you know this was an exercise in futility - hey, wait....can I count that as part of my daily exercise?? Anyway, in one site I was told that I ought to use something called "Runner's Lube" which I admit to giggling about. The pretense for this product was to prevent friction which is how blisters are formed -by the friction of sock, shoe and skin. Okay, maybe this is true, sounds like it was well thought out anyway. Then the very next paragraph says to use 'cornstarch or a powder containing cornstarch' to keep the foot dry as moisture contributes to the forming of blisters. So....which is it? Lube it up or dry it out?? I was so confused. Another suggestion was to get better socks. I only have very thin, well worn socks because since I moved to the beach, I rarely wear them. I thought the sock theory was reasonable, and I knew the Band Aids made for blisters were awesome, so I went to Wal-Mart to get new of both. They did not have the band aids (Publix came through for me again) but they had so many choices of socks, I was lost. There were thick, thin, no-show, over the calf - good lord when did socks get so hi-tech? Some said to wear only 100% cotton, natural is best. Others said to get a "wicking" fabric to keep feet dry - assuming this would not also wick away the foot lube if you used that. I did find foot lube there. I read the ingredients which were largely vegetable oil, petroleum jelly and something I assume to keep it in stick form. Great, Crisco for my feet. So there I am, with at least 16 varieties of socks to choose from and no idea what I actually needed. I picked out some 'no-show' socks that claim to be cushioned, wick moisture away, offer arch support and to stay crunchy in milk. No wait, maybe that was something else...anyway... I saw many labels for an "active" lifestyle. Truth be told, my lifestyle is far from what I would call 'active' even with the 2 kidlets to chase after. All I was looking for was something to prevent blisters when I went walking. Then, there was a flash of bright yellow....and I saw them. Socks made by Dr Scholl's - who have long been in the business of foot stuff. Right there on the package were the words I longed to read....Blister Guard. Well, BOGO would have been good too, but blister guard made me quite happy. Armed with now a good $28.50 worth of socks, I proceed to check out, feeling optimistic about my future walking. Too bad the next morning my feet/blisters were so sore from my schlepping all over Wal Mart that I could barely walk to the bathroom, nevermind further. So yes, I skipped the walk. Thought about it that evening, but decided against it - GASP!! Okay, surely one day will not undo much in the way of progress. HA! I got up this morning, a bit reluctantly, and suited up, including my new socks with Blister Guard, and hit the trail. I pretty quickly figured out that missing the one day, plus eating chips and a candy bar during that day, had indeed done damage. Normally I would walk for a full hour, sometimes as much as an hour and 15 minutes. Today, it was just 45 minutes. I was winded within 10 minutes; lightheaded right after that and felt like throwing up at least 3 times during the walk. My legs screamed at me to go home, I was sweating from my eyebrows and now my back was hurting. How the hell does walking make your back hurt? Anyway, I caved and came home at the 45 minute mark. I feel like I let myself down, but I also had no desire to heave chunks on the sidewalk in front of the morning commuters. Notice I did not mention any issues with my feet including any new blisters. Those socks lived up to their claims!! I am so happy!! Of course I still have the ones I had before I bought them, they are not magic after all. I have no new ones tho and I even went without any band aid on the pinky toe blisters and they felt fine!! With all of this you may be wondering why I have not been doing cartwheels up and down the hallway. As excited as I am to have found a way to walk without making my feet fall off, I am still a bit let down. I have weighed twice since I started this venture on May 30th, and I have lost less than a pound in total. I did see a 1.5lb drop the first time, but the second time 1lb was back. I know, slow weight loss is the best, but jeez! I was hoping with this level of commitment and in light of the sheer miracle of me continuing PLUS finding the perfect socks, maybe I would be rewarded with a 5-6lb loss. I do feel better when I walk. I can walk the route faster now and with less heavy breathing. I kinda sorta feel like my pants may be less constricting. Oh well, there is always next week for those results.

You can do it!!!

So I set out to do some self improvement. I had the plan, I had the support (thanks to you guys), I had the means and even the time.... now its up to me. Guess what? After a brief slip up, I AM DOING IT!! I have been getting up at 6:30am to go for a brisk walk for 40-45 minutes every morning. In the past 2 days I have had only 2.5 cans of soda, but to be fair this is far less than a typical day AND it is that lovely week of the month that all women deal with so I caved. I have been taking my vitamins and the OTC 'belly fat buster' like I am supposed to. I have been eating smaller portions and make sure I have a good variety of foods that are also good for me. Know what? I feel SO much better, and its only been 5 days! I actually didn't walk yesterday, due to the aforementioned "female" issues, but by George I got my butt up this morning and went right back out there. This is not to say there haven't been some obstacles to overcome, lest you think this sounds like some day at the beach easy-peasy thing I am doing - think again! First thing I had to surmount, I did not own tennis shoes. I know, it's weird. I have lived in flip-flops, Crocs or gone barefoot for about 5 years now, and tennis shoes were just not part of my life. I did buy a pair when I was given a treadmill - more on that later - but they were ill fitting and about killed me the first day so they are now in the box to go to Goodwill. I am still not sure why I cannot do this walk in my Crocs but I didn't want to go out there and break every rule right out of the gate, so we will see about that. Dutifully I went to Wal-Mart to look for tennis shoes because I cannot afford to go and get name brand shoes designed for walking. This raises a question...aren't pretty much ALL shoes going to be walked in? I don't quite get the need for specific shoes for walking, court, cross training and running but it seems to me like a way for the shoe companies to make a killing. What if you have to walk across a court, thru a grassy, slightly hilly area to get to the track or course you want to run? Do you have to carry a knapsack with 4 pairs of shoes and change at each change in definition of turf? Anyway, I have long been a fan of the "$5 disposable" little white tennis shoes (which are not specifically for anything, least of all tennis) that Wal Mart has sold forever. Until now. They had them, sure, but starting at size 8 1/2 and going up to 12W. There were also a slightly different style in a few colors, which I am not a fan of, but gave them a shot just the same. Again I can find only sizes 8 1/2 to 12. Now I think its wonderful that people with the need for these sizes can just walk right in and get a pair of "$5 disposable" tennis shoes - oh, and now they are $8, but I would also like to enjoy this same ability only I am a size 7 so for now, I am out of luck. I decided to check out the 'boxed' tennis shoes despite knowing they can go for 3-5 times as much per pair, but I am determined. Do you know that every pair of size 7s I found were in black? I am not a fan of black tennis shoes, I don't know why but they just don't quite 'do it' for me. Finally I settle on some shoes declaring they were for 'court' activities so perhaps if I am punished for this breech of etiquette I will be allowed to wear them to go before the judge and explain my situation. They were only $11, still more than twice what I was prepared to pay, but at least the right size and color. So now I have tennis/court shoes which I will wear to go walking. Shhh. Then I bought a new bottle of the 'belly fat burner' supplement. I do wonder how this is supposed to work, how it knows belly fat from butt fat although I will not be upset if it works on both to be sure. I get this home and discover part of the secret the next morning when I go to take them. The bottle is in a box which has a tiny strip of what I assumed to be a tape like material over the flap edge. Turns out the clear strip is apparently made from the same material used to build Wonder Woman's invisible jet because it cannot be ripped or cut with a thumbnail. Keep in mind it is 6:30am and I am trying to not wake up the kids so there was no chance of me getting the scissors from the medicine cabinet. So far every time I have gotten those scissors out for anything, there are at least 4 other things that fall out of the cabinet and directly onto the little metal bin holding the hair brushes, and then knocking it onto the floor which is loud enough to wake people 2 streets over, except for Lon who sleeps thru everything. So I decided to just tear the box flaps, not realizing that a glossy laminate coating on the box would turn it into a razor sharp instrument of torture capable of rendering a paper cut like wound but about 10x as wide. Finally I get the damn bottle out of the box - its now 6:55am but I can finally take the supplement and get on with my walk. There is more clear plastic wrapped around the top of the bottle...joy. Wait! There is a perforated section! Yay - a shortcut into the next line of defense. If it had actually come apart more than 1/3 of the way down the perforated area, I am sure it would have been the perfect protective seal. Now I am left picking at clear plastic on a white bottle in semi darkness - again, trying not to wake the house - and after only a couple of small bits came off, I did manage to get enough off to open the top. To find a paper/plastic/foil membrane. By now I am fairly aggravated, I am losing precious time for my walk and I am on obstacle #3 just to get the 'belly fat burner' that also promises to help calm and stabilize ones stress level. I think I know why they added that benefit - getting the bottle open is enough to put one into full blown stress meltdown. I manage to get thru this seal, tearing it into about 5 pieces before fully removing it but it was gone and now I can get to the capsules. Looking into the now open bottle, I see what appears to be a bale of cotton. Okay, I can do this, cotton is soft and nice and will soak up a good bit of the blood still seeping from the cut dealt by the box top. I grab the cotton and pull, expecting to see a full piece of white fluffiness. I had maybe 10 threads. This is how the entire wad of cotton came out, about 10 threads at a time. *sigh* Amazingly, I did get to my walk. Since the first day was in ill fitting shoes I had a couple of blisters to deal with. I am not entirely sure why I got just as many blisters the next day with proper fitting shoes. I think my feet were rebelling against being shoved back into socks and closed up shoes. I honestly felt like I had forgotten how to walk in that type of shoe, kept scuffing the sole on the sidewalk and tripping over nothing. Plus the pain from blisters was no help. I did have a friend tell me about a type of Band-Aid made especially for finger and toe blisters. I went to look for them in Publix, sure enough they sell them. They were $4 for a box of 8!! Band-Aids are like $1 for a whole box of various sizes and they want $4 for these 8 blister Band-Aids?? Let me just say, worth every penny. Instant relief and they stay on for several days, even thru showers. So me and my Band-Aid wrapped blister covered toes were much happier. I had decided I wanted to walk thru a gated community about a block north of my road, and for the first day I was able to. Gates were open, and even though I am willing to ask the gate guard if its ok, there was no one there so I just went in. Such a pretty walk! Nice lawns, pretty flowers, quiet and no zipping traffic. Views of the water, occasional bunnies hopping thru. No wonder I prefer this to walking the sidewalk along 41 and all the traffic noise and issues there! However it was hot at 7am so I bumped my walk time up to 6:30 and they do not open the gates until 7, so I am forced to walk the sidewalk along the highway and just keep an eye on the traffic. I don't know how far I am walking, I usually just measure by the time. For the first 2 days, the walk was 40-45 minutes round trip. The third day was longer, but that included a stop into CVS for some supplies (recall the "female" issues) so I am guessing it was about as long since it was the same distance pretty much. Then today, I made the same walk as before and when I got home, not only was I not nearly as tired or breathing as heavy as the first few times, but it only took me 30 minutes!! Progress!! I did weigh in on the day of the first walk, but I am not going to weigh again until the weekend. Once a week is plenty for that kind of humility, seeing that I weigh at Publix right out where everyone can see! Still, I feel pretty good and proud of myself for sticking with it! This may even turn me into a morning person - EEEEKK!!

Slipping thru the "crack"...dammit

You know, I was SO charged with zeal to attack my new outlook on life and all the stuff I have missed by internalizing and hiding. If I am to be honest, I have done very little of the things I promised I would and really I feel like hell about this. Not only did I let myself down, I feel like I let my friends down who were so supportive of me and my plan. So, with that confession, and I hope forgiveness from all who I let down, today is another day and I am going to make more of an effort. I find that I am a good "list person" and that with a list, I get more done. I have a household schedule I used when there was only one kid, and before her arrival as well, and that went great. With two kids, it is 10x harder to do that stuff, which makes no sense but its true. It is not impossible to do the list, its just hard and I have gotten complacent in my laziness and my sitting on my ass-ness and that has got to stop. A special friend recently asked me if premature death was enough of a motivator for me to lose weight, improve my health and I honestly said it wasn't. I know!!! What the hell was I thinking? So, with that said, I am printing off copies of my schedule that has long worked for me, with a couple of changes to fit the new situations I am faced with. I have actually been waking up at 6:45am, and until very recently I actually got up, not just woke up. The sad little bit of work I am getting these days is keeping me up very late as I cannot work while the kids, well Zane anyway, are up and in the room so I end up working until 2-3am. It is very rough to get up at 6:45 when you go to bed at 2, and be productive. There is a better than average chance that my job is finally coming to an end, which I have anticipated for almost a year but have been lucky - I think - so far. I do think that with as little income as there is now, and as much time as it takes from my day, my kids and my life....its just honestly not worth it. I just can't bring myself to quit and contribute nothing to the income of the house. Okay gang, I may well slip and slide a bit, and I can surely use help and encouragement, but here I go again. This time I have to get it right. It can't be that hard to be happy, lots of people do it everyday! Sorry this wasn't funny or informative, but sometimes it helps to put stuff out there where I can be held accountable. I will go back to normal, promise!

Just a Crack?

Ever have SO much stuff pile up on you that you just 'give up' and quit fighting? You might not even realize you've thrown in the towel, you just get so accustomed to more and more stuff weighing on you. Then, just as your psyche is about to cave in and render you a zombie who goes thru the motions and waits on death....there is just one thing that snaps you back to reality. With the same resolve that you used to have for denying that there was a problem, now you are by God gonna fight back and kick the world square in its ass for picking on you to start with! Who do they think they are messing with? Screw this 'woe is me' lifestyle and accepting things like advancing age, lack of energy and no drive to change things!! I am BACK baby - badder than before, better for the experience! So you ask, what was the "one thing" that kicked my butt off the couch? I found a crack in my favorite decorative wooden bowl. I know. I thought the same thing; how the hell does that translate into a life changing event? I guess it was the whole idea that the bowl was just sitting there, minding its business, doing what is expected of it and *BAM* it cracks. All I asked of it was at one time to hold some tomatoes and avocados, now it holds Nutri Grain bars. Doesn't sound like a huge burden, it just has to sit there and hold stuff. But to be fair, along with holding stuff, there is the being picked up and allowing kids to choose a treat; being moved around when its time to change the 5 gallon water bottle it is perched on; and there is the whole being in the kitchen with all that goes on in there. I am willing to bet the constant nothing it does takes a toll too. This got me to thinking, if this really great bowl that I bought can crack from doing nothing, what is going to happen to me if I also 'do nothing' about the things piling into me? The bowl is now on its way out, once wood cracks, there is little that can be done to truly restore it or keep the crack from getting worse. Am I about to be on my way out? I for sure can feel the start of little cracks all over me. Is there a way to keep me from the same fate as the bowl? With this said, I have a new determination. I will get up earlier - like it or not, and at first I will not - and DO something. Whether I go for a walk, watch the news in the morning, do some cleaning or even some work, I will get up and physically DO something. I will cut back on my Pepsi addiction. I am not going to kid myself and say I will give it up, but I will indeed work to cut way back. I will stop hanging out all day with my unbrushed hair up in a scrunchy with no makeup and in my PJs. I don't intend to prep for a red carpet moment, but really, would it kill me to take a little care with my appearance? I have approximately $7k worth of hair and makeup products, maybe I should use them? (before anyone admonishes me for spending this much money on hair and makeup, let me assure you that 99% of the makeup was free and the hair stuff, about 20% was free) I will take better care of my skin too. It is the only skin I have, even though it does continue to regenerate but the process is slower now. I will get the kids outside to play. Not just on the patio, really outside. We can play catch, tag or just hunt for cool stuff, but we will get outside at least 3 times a week. From our house it is a nice walk to the beach and there is a play park there, maybe that could be a destination now that the weather is nicer. I will make a true effort to cook real foods for the kids and get them away from the Kid Cuisine frozen meals they live on now. There is nothing wrong with Kid Cuisine, I just really love to cook and I want my kids to appreciate the talents I have and to realize all foods are not served in a divided blue plastic tray. I will find something every day to be happy about. We can all gripe and grouse about how awful things are for us, but there are surely others in far more dire straits than we. This is not to say I will become blinded to the obstacles out there, but I will meet them with a smile! I have a lot of faith that doing these things will translate into being generally happier and having other things fall into place for me too. I bet when (I almost said "if") I am happier and get used to being more active, my weight will start to come down and my spirits will go up even more! I am sure my kids will be happier and they will love the new, positive changes too. I have faith that facing the hurdles ahead of us will be easier with all of these changes too and I am actually looking forward to getting started! Wow!! I can't believe I am looking forward to getting up early and seeing what I can accomplish with that one little step. Isn't it amazing that all of this came from a crack in a bowl?

Closure, I hope.

Let me preface this entry by saying it will not be in the usual vein of sarcasm I tend to write. There will be some bad language, it is a sensitive subject and it will be sad. I wont feel bad if you don't read it, but I have to get this out. Thanks for your understanding. Sunday April 26th, just before 2am my sweet little yellow kitty, Lila, passed away. I knew it was coming and there wasn't a damned thing I could do about it. We had no money to provide the care she would need to prolong her life, and there was very little hope of saving her, just in buying her more time. I wish it had been different. I wish I had not been so stupid as to think that she would be okay at home, she would be among family and would find a favorite spot and simply lie down and drift off for the last time. It wasn't like that, not even close. She had not eaten in almost a week, her last trip to the water bowl was 3 days prior. She was gaunt, but she would still make small walks to her favorite spots to rest in and out of the house. She did love to lie in the sun on the patio so I let her. She walked all around out there, slowly and with long naps between changing spots. She came inside when it began to get dark, same as always. She was a good kitty. Then when she got inside, there was a noticeable change in her. She made shorter walks, laid in odd spots and appeared to be in pain. Around 7pm I noticed she was on a rug behind the couch, where ultimately she would stay. She would change positions, but it was clear she was hurting. Then she just couldn't change positions anymore, only turn over. This was when I decided I could no longer let her be and I went to lie down with her, to pet her, talk to her and let her know that she was loved, we had all had a great time with her but that it was time for her to go now. You see in the movie playing in my head, once I said all of this, she would close her eyes, have one last deep breath and just "go" in peace. What followed was more than 6 hours of pain, loss of bodily control and general anguish. She cried out, clearly hurting and not sure what was going on. She had multiple spasms throughout her body where she would ultimately either draw up in a "fetal" position or go the other way and arch her back and not be able to move. I moved her back into a more "normal" pose, hoping this would ease the suffering and at least allow her to breathe for what time she had left. Great huge wracking ragged breaths were drawn in, and I pray I will be able to forget the sounds that came out of her. Legs and feet stiffened, drawing up to her body. She was hurting and there was nothing I could do NOW. If I hadn't been so cheap, I could have spared her this pain and let the vet put her down. I caused this pain on my little yellow kitty and now I have to live with that. I finally moved her into the carrier I would use to transport her to the pet crematorium, lined with a towel for comfort -yeah, I have to make her comfortable at this point. I put one of the baby blankets we have left from the early days with kids and covered her, actually had done that a few hours before, but it went in the carrier too. She deserves some dignity and no one to be seeing the signs of the misery she had to endure. Still, the sad sounds and infrequent breaths would come. I don't know how many prayers I said, asking, pleading, begging God to please just take her and end the suffering. He didn't. I can't say it shook my faith but I am a bit upset with him. I suppose it was a lesson to teach me to get my priorities in order and take better care of my responsibilities, but that was not what she deserved. No, I don't really think God works like this, but I am in pain and need somwhere to direct my anger. I think anger is part of the process, right? I forget the order or how many steps there are, but I know anger and denial are among them. I know, she is no longer in pain, but she was in pain and that is hard enough. I am one who believes in ghosts, including animals, and I did tell her that she was always welcome to be with me wherever I am. I am trying very hard to focus on the little yellow kitty who leaped up on my AC to peer in the window at the goings on inside my apartment; who would hide in the bushes when I put food our for her but eventually came to trust me enough to come eat while I sat there, which is how she became an indoor kitty; who sat thru my daughter's first cold and let her snuggle even though she was coughing and sneezing and not letting Lila get a nap; who had the most uncanny knack of finding an exposed bit of skin and pressing her sweet pink - and very cold - nose to you; who slept right beside me every night, got up with me to tend to the kids; who would sit next to the food bowl and give me "the look" if there was even the tiniest bit of 'bowl' showing thru the food. That is the Lila I need to recall and the one I miss so much I am in physical pain. I love you sweet girl and I hope you had as good a life with us as we did with you. There is a back story here that a few people know about, but I will share. Outside we have various kitties who come and go, some were born under our house even. One died under there after a fight with another animal. Of the remaining ones, there is one who recently had 3 kittens. It was her first litter and she is very young. I first saw them at about 4 weeks, which was this past week, maybe on Tuesday. I was able to play with them, and to spend some time with them. Then on Thursday, one of them died. No obvious cause, but I found her shortly afterward and had to explain to the kids what happened. Macy offered her crayon box to bury the kitty in. Daddy did the digging and Macy helped cover the box. Friday morning, I opened the blinds to see mama kitty walking across the driveway with one kitten following. I went outside to a spot I knew mama kitty to sleep in, and sure enough, there was the other kitten and he was in bad shape. I picked him up, went and snagged his remaining sibling as well, and brought them inside. I gave them water, they were very thirsty. The little male was very limp and even though he made noises like mews, he was too far gone and he died in my hands. This spurred me on and I made it my mission to save the remaining kitty. As fate would have it, she was a little orange kitty so maybe thats why I had a soft spot. I went and got the kitten milk, some canned food and even toys - I just knew this kitten would be okay as she had been the strongest all along. I fed her from an eye dropper every 4 hours, cleaned her when she pottied, bathed her to get the infestation of fleas off her tiny body. I made her a rice sock and got Lon to bring in a cage from the shed so she would be able to see the other cats but be safe. She was very tiny but she was trying. She made it thru the night and I continued with the feedings, cleanings, etc. Kept her warm with the rice sock, gave her water and food as well as kitten milk. Then Saturday night when I was sitting with Lila, the little orange kitten died too. So me, who loves cats indeed more than some people, had 4 cats pass away on her within 3 days. True, the kittens were not 'mine' and honestly it didn't hurt as much as Lila, but it was a lot to deal with at once. I have never wanted to get the hell out of anyplace as badly as I want to get out of here now. Too much bad mojo. I came here with 9 beautiful kitties, added 1 more yet now I have 4 wooden boxes with the ashes of four of my babies in them. It's time to go.

Freak Show in the Frozen Foods

You know, I am as easy going and laid back casual as any other Mom of 3 (yes, I count the hubby) who is about to lose her house due to a significant cut in income and having to figure out where when and how to move while trying to pay bills, catch up what has gotten behind and then has her desktop - nay, her very lifeline to the outside world and all that it offers - crash and die right in front of her....but all that aside I am pretty evenly keeled most days. Tonight kinda pushed my buttons a bit, although I did manage to paste on a fake smile and entertain for the crowds without ripping each of them a new ass. So there I was, in Publix for the weekly grocery run. I like to go at night when Daddy is home and the kids can bounce off him for a while, and yes I do sometimes take my sweet time but whats your point? I was just getting the last things on my list from the frozen foods section when a couple walked up to the door a couple down from where I was immersed from the waist up because apparently no one re-stocks the Kid Cuisines my daughter MUST have until they are completely gone so I had to climb in the cooler to get them. I hear them murmuring to each other and can see them pointing at my cart. I back out of the cooler, target in hand, and they continued to look at my cart, then at me, then back to my cart as they scurried away like the cowards they must surely be. Of course now I am wondering so I looked at the cart, then at myself, saw nothing unusual so I shrugged it off. Enter lucky couple #2. They actually walk right up to my cart as I am now searching for the blueberry muffin tops frantically (they moved them - again!) and this time I can clearly hear the conversation they have. "Oh my lord, would you LOOK at that cart!" from the lady, well the female one of the two. Followed by "Whoa! That is incredible, honey did you get a load of this cart going on here?" from the male counterpart who clearly is an idiot as she has just said she can clearly see it. Then I get "Wow, that is quite a lot you have shoved in there" and "Just how many people are you buying for?" in rapid sequence. To my credit I did not flog either of them with the box of frozen mini pancakes now in my hand. To my dismay, I smiled sheepishly and AGREED with the morons. "Yeah, this is quite a haul. Wonder if the wheels will still turn?" and just walked away. Cue the bagboy. I have confirmed that plastic will be fine, thank you for asking, and am trying to unload in the OCD manner I prefer. All frozen together and first, followed by produce, then all meats together, dairy is next (refrigerated stuff) and last are the canned and dry goods with bread, eggs and chips bringing up the rear. I did have a big 18lb bag of cat food that I ran across the scanner while the cashier was trying to get something else to scan and taking far too long to do so. The bagboy begins with "Man, you having a party?" I wasn't sure what prompted that comment - the stack of Kid Cuisines or the can of formula - so I just smiled and simply said "Nope, just grocery night" thinking that was the last of it. There was more. I had picked up a box of doughnuts from the bakery, dont need them but then who does. He looks at those and says again, "Oh you are having a party"....what about a dozen doughnuts suggests a party is beyond me, but again, I blew it off with "Oh those are for my hubby to take in to his office" (total lie, they are for home) and he just kept on...gonna need another cart - "why? I got it up here in one cart". That sure is a lot of stuff...."yes, it is a lot but it is for a family of four, for more than a week of some stuff" my only comeback, although I could feel myself getting irritated. We finally get all of my masses of groceries that apparently was enough to cause gawking and thoughtless comments ready to go to my van. I put the box of doughnuts on top of the seat area, where some boxed goods were, so they would not get smashed. I also put on top of the doughnut box a gift bag, tissue paper, a card and curly ribbons I picked up for a sweet little girl's bithday gift that I hope will be on time for her party. I also didn't want those smashed. To his credit, the bagboy did offer to take my groceries to the car, nevermind that it is Publix policy, many of them don't. Here we go, walking to my car and he is still at it "Sure hope you have enough room for all of this" .... dude, I am a Mom, I could pack the whole cart and your dead body in a Miata. Still forcing a smile, I only said "Oh I'm sure it will be fine". Then I hear something odd, turn to look back and the curly ribbons were blowing across the parking lot!! The idiot didn't even notice!! Now I am mad. I said, "Hey! You're letting my stuff fall all over and get ruined!" His only response? "oh, yeah I guess they fell"....really? You guess they fell? What the hell was your first clue - that they were on the damn nasty ground?? So I go chase them down and put them back on top, making sure to tell him to please watch that stuff....and what does Mr Einstein do? Presses his hand down on top of it all - picture the scene....curly ribbons, card, tissue paper, 3D gift bag...being pressed down on rather firmly...oh yes did I mention they were sitting on top of my BOX OF DOUGHNUTS???? Then he sees a Ford Excursion parked near where I was walking and is all "Oh, this blue one is yours? Yeah, you need an SUV that big for your kinda shopping!" I stopped for a second, looked at him with a look that usually halts charging pitbulls and said "No, in fact mine is NOT the blue one. It is the red minivan two spaces down and there is a huge stroller in the back so you will have to be careful" Then I parked the cart against the side of my van and opened the gate so he could put stuff in, but I took the doughnuts and laid them on the front seat so they wouldn't be likely to slide around. I also grabbed all the bags with breads or eggs in them since he was lobbing bags in the cargo area like a friggin firebox tender on a steam train. I did thank him for his help, sadly he wouldn't know sarcasm if it bit him squarely on the ass. When exactly did it beome appropriate to gape and gawk at people's grocery carts, and comment on the stuff they are buying?? The more time I thought about these people and their behavior, the madder I got! They have no business all up in my business about what I buy! I didn't comment on their nasty food choices or how gaunt they looked and it might indeed be due to the lack of red meat and processed foods in their diets. I mean seriously, these were the comments I heard tonight! From people in a grocery store - they were shocked and awed. I wont give you the list of contents verbatim, I could since I keep the receipts but I wont. Here is just an idea: 2 6pks drinkable yogurts; 2pks shredded cheeses; 3 half gals of choc milk; 1 gal reg milk; 4 bottles Juicy Juice (BOGO); 4 boxes Nutri Grain cereal bars (BOGO); 4 packs ground beef; 1 pk chicken wings; 1 gal OJ; some canned goods; pk of sliced cantaloupe, banana bunch and cut up watermelon; some onions, 5lb bag of potatoes and a small head of cabbage; 6 Kid Cuisine dinners (dont judge); a box of mini pancakes and a box of muffin tops; underneath was the cat food, one 12pk soda and cat litter. What about any of that seems excessive for a week to 10 days for a family of 4?? Oh yes, and the box of doughnuts on top. Sheesh, can't a girl shop without being judged and condemned? Maybe I should put a "dontations please" jar on the front of my grocery cart. Oh, maybe Publix should do like Ross and attach big silver poles to their carts and I could pole dance, earn some tips to help cover my obviously ginormous grocery bill. Hey, if they wanna gawk, lets give 'em something to gawk about!

Welcome kits for people moving to Florida I guess if people are going to insist on continuing to move to Florida from other places where they have lived their lives just fine until seeing all the fun we have here, then the least we can do is make them feel welcome. In this line of thinking, I have come up with a “Welcome to Florida” kit that should make the transition a bit easier. Each kit will contain the basic items, plus we can customize it with a few extras as they apply. BASIC KIT: Welder’s mask. These people have no idea how strong the sun is here in Florida, but this should help them until they can build up the calluses on their eyes that are needed to survive. Plus this will protect them from the repeated smacks to the head they will surely be dealt for coming here and trying to tell us how wonderful life was back in wherever they came from and how things were done better/faster/bigger there. If it was so damned wonderful, why are you here? List of Dermatologists: They will become your best friend, especially when you don’t heed the warnings about the sun and start having “spots” show up on you in places maybe the sun hasn’t even seen. Plus this way we won’t have to be sitting down to eat while you discuss your various skin disorders and how they ooze, bleed and turn colors. Loudly. Turn Signal Replacement Bulb: There will only be one, it’s all you will use anyway. Given that turn signal bulbs are made in the same fashion as other light bulbs, they have a use limit before they will simply ‘blow’ and stop working. All vehicles come with a working set, at least 4 bulbs installed at the outer corners of your vehicle. At some point, they will begin to give out and when the first one happens, you will change the bulb. Then you will notice how many times people make turns or lane changes without benefit of using the signal. At first, you will be outraged, make a fuss and maybe a gesture. Then slowly, it will start to seem like a good idea. Why use up the short life of your turn signal so quickly? What if you only used it every-other time you needed to – this will double the life span of the bulb! Once you have accepted this as a good idea, your penny pinching early bird eating self will decide that if you only use it on the 3rd Tuesday of the month, and only then if its foggy that morning (no matter what time of day you drive)…suddenly this bulb is lasting for years longer than it was supposed to. Next thing you know, you have gone into full blown “Save the Bulbs” mode and you just no longer use the damn things at all. See? One is all you will need. You are allowed to donate your bulb to your buddy who takes the opposite approach and leaves his signal on for 90% of his driving life. List of Endangered Species to watch for: We have a few species here that are in danger of being wiped out completely. It is a good idea to know which ones to keep a look out for because if you are found doing harm upon, feeding stuff to or aiming your car at in an attempt to see how fast they really are, you could be arrested, fined large sums of money or at least frowned at forcefully. Let’s review some of them. Sandhill Cranes: pretty birds, smaller than an Emu, bright red feathers on their heads. Very tight with the mates and keep the chicks (little cranes, not girls) close. They can be seen in a variety of parking lots, along side busy highways and streets and on golf courses. I think some of the areas in which they ‘hang out’ may be directly contributing to the decline in their numbers. They don’t really get out of the way of cars, more so they look at them in wonder as they come REALLY close. Gopher Tortoises: Look a lot like turtles but they live on dry land. They do like water and tend to cross roads and highways to get to a body of water. As they are tortoises they do this really slowly and likely this is not good for keeping a lot of them alive. It is okay to stop in the road (check for traffic first), hit your flashers and remove the tortoise to the side of the road safely. If you do this, don’t hold it up near your body – it will pee on you. I think the rapid mobility scares them. Florida Panthers and Bobcats: They are really pretty and really fast so you likely won’t get to see many. Plus they get killed a lot. Given the speed of these cats, for them to get hit by a car means the car was going WAY too fast in the first place, but no one seems to get that connection. Drive the speed limit, watch for wildlife. Not hard. They were here first and they should have right of way. If you do see one in your yard, DON’T try to pet it. They are beautiful but will attack. If one is between you and your house, go ahead and find other accommodations. At least for the night. Actual Florida Natives: We are easy to spot. We are everything you want to be; only we don’t have to work at it. Don’t approach too fast, think before you speak to one and remember we were here first. Sad to say, but our numbers are indeed dwindling. Relaxation tools: I don’t want to get into trouble by insisting that newcomers be injected with narcotics. They will have ample opportunity to sample them on their own later. I do think if the following items are used properly, it just might help them adjust. Do be careful that you don’t OD on this, the combination is addicting. A “Hawaiian” shirt. Yes, you are moving into Florida and yet the welcome kit has a “Hawaiian” shirt. If it makes you feel better, call it an “island style” shirt. Hard to be a jerk in a loudly colored flowing shirt that likely has flowers, parrots and tropical drinks all over it. A seashell and/or shark tooth necklace. Its hard to be stressed with these things around your neck, no one would take you seriously anyway. A bottle of “Hawaiian Tropic” suntan lotion. Not sunscreen, not oil, just the old standard. When you smell this stuff for more than 10 minutes a day, you can’t be anything but relaxed. By the way, it might say “Hawaiian Tropic” but it is made in Florida. A Jimmy Buffet CD. My personal choice would be what I refer to as “the yellow album” because the entire jacket is yellow and has red letters on it but I forget the title. It might be Margaritaville, it might be a ‘greatest hits’ album. Does not matter. If you listen to Jimmy, you will find yourself loving island life before you know what it even is. Flip flops. Get over your loafers and workboots, these are the shoe of choice in Florida. They are not comfortable until you break them in so quit bitching about how they hurt between your toes and give it a day or two. DO NOT wear socks with Flip Flops unless you just want your ass kicked. Cold beer or frozen drink. As they say, “It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere. Just go with it. Go to a hole in the wall bar in midday. Sip your drink outside on the deck. Go to a Tiki Bar – any Tiki Bar – and take it all in. Extras: What the hell else could you need? You just got a kick ass welcome kit that will have you fitting in and feeling good in no time. You need more? Wal-Mart is open 24 hours a day, go get it your damn self. I am gonna sit right here in my Hawaiian shirt, reeking of coconut scented lotion with my flip flops on the floor under my crossed ankles up on the railing around the Tiki Bar and drink my frosty beverage while singing with Jimmy. I aint moving.

No Thanks in Thanksgiving for me!

Where is Norman Rockwell when you need him? For reasons I am not entirely sure of now, I decided to drive to be with the family for Thanksgiving and I did it on the Wednesday before. Yeah, the heaviest travel day of the year and I think its a good idea to load myself, the kids and 2/3 of our house (required items when traveling with small kids) into the MomVan and head out, leaving hubby to follow later with all the stuff he had to bring - long story, doesn't matter here. My plan was to have everything packed Tuesday night so we could just load and go on Wednesday as soon as I ran a few last minute errands. Yeah, that was a great plan. Didn't happen, but it was a great plan. I ran around like a mad woman, did the errands, grabbed lunch for the kids and parked them in front of the TV, yes the horrible TV, and went about packing, prepping, cleaning and loading. Next thing I know, it is 2pm and I am still at home!! I planned to be in Gainesville by 3 -guess I will be late but I know I make the drive in about 2.5 hours so still not a big deal. Yeah. Well, almost 5 hours later, we get off I75 in Gainesville, having sat completely still and crawling along for much of the southern part of the trip. The DVD player went loopy on us just south of Wildwood which was SO helpful. I did find out that I can make a bottle while driving and I don't mean pull one out of the diaper bag. I did that too, but the trip was so long that Zane needed another one so I had to reach back and find the now empty bottle, some bottled water, the can of formula powder and mix it. I did it, no traffic issues to report. So I get to Gainesville, call the family to say I am in town finally and should I pick up anything to add to dinner as we will be there shortly. Dinner? Oh they ate already. I should just get whatever we will need during our stay as they are all on diets and don't buy carbs, sugars, etc. I am looking in the rearview at 2 kids who eat pancakes, chicken nuggets, PB&Js and muffin tops and drink Juice or OJ. Lets not forget the required chocolate milk. So I hit Publix, end up having to do a basic grocery run for our 4 night visit that had I known in advance, I could have brought plenty from home for. There goes $96 from our budget for that visit. My Mom did come meet me to help with the kids in the store plus I had absolutely no room for groceries at all so she drove ahead of us to my Aunt and Uncle's place where we were staying. I pull in a bit behind Mom, she does drive a bit fast plus her car was not weighed down like mine. I get the kids out of the carseats, Zane is soaked now and SO ready to get out of the car as are we all. I have him in one arm, the 30 pound diaper bag on the other shoulder and Macy on that arm, no way to open doors or anything. Walk in the back door, my Aunt and Uncle are sitting there, watching TV. I come in with "Hey, we made it!" No response, no one gets up, no one offers any help....so I put Macy down before my arm just gives up and I drop her, head down the hall to the guest rooms and said "Sorry to be rude but he has to be changed really badly and I have a ton of stuff to unload as well"..... no greeting, no offer to help still, nothing. I am getting a bit pissed, but I have 2 crying kids now and they need dinner. I go back out for another load, still holding Zane as he will not let me put him down. Macy is hiding in the bedroom. I asked my Aunt if I could please get her to fix a Kid Cuisine for each of them while I keep unloading. She seemed a bit put out but did it. Finally get the kids at the table, no help putting groceries away, nothing. Still no one has said 'Hi, nice to see you guys, how was your drive, kiss my ass' nothing. By now I have put the groceries away, both kids have eaten all they will and both are crying because we are in an unfamiliar place and they sense my mounting anger. I am fairly sure the blind and deaf guy across town could sense it too. I walk back to the guest rooms to try and set up sleeping gear so that will be out of the way. My Aunt comes back with, "Are you guys planning to use both rooms or will M be able to use his old room?" (he rode up with Lon) Lets see, 4 people in one room with a play yard, an airbed and a double bed, plus suitcases. Sure, no problem. I decide to assert myself a bit and said "Well you did say that M could use the office with an airbed so the kids could have a room to themselves, so that is my plan" and I went about setting it up that way. I start assembling the pack-n-play....discover it reeks of gasoline, which was spilled in the shed and is why I keep asking for the gas powered stuff and extra cans to be stored elsewhere, AND is heavily mildewed which brings to mind the open windows to air out the gas fumes that were allowed to remain open during a rain storm. I did my best to wipe it down and proceeded to make up Zane's bedding in it but as soon as I sat him down, just to give me some free hands time to settle the rest of the stuff, he began screaming like he was on fire. I knew there was no actual gas and he was on a mattress covered with a sheet and a waterproof pad was under all that but the smell was likely making him freak. Then Daddy calls, "hey, just got off I75" and my exact words were "I don't give a damn if you get a $5k speeding ticket just get your ass here" which clued him a bit. To his credit, he did get there in less than 20 minutes and walked in to find me pacing the room in tears with all suitcases piled on the bed and my first in-person words to him were "we are going to a hotel NOW". Fortunately he had a calmer head and he got Zane and Macy to settle down and asked me what I wanted to do about the pack n play. It was 20 til 10pm and K-Mart was open until 10 if we needed to go get a new one but we wouldn't use it hardly ever again so maybe there was a way to fix the old one. He went and laid on the big bed with Zane, got him to sleep. Macy was happier now that Daddy was there so she hopped on the big bed in their room. Oh yes, knowing we were coming and knowing we let the kids watch TV to go to sleep, the TV in that room had been disconnected and no one bothered to hook it back up before we got there so there was a hulabaloo about that when I asked if it was okay to use, as we have always done. My Aunt went thru great exasperating sighs and grunts and then YELLED to the other end of the house for my Uncle to come connect it back. Oh, and prior to Daddy getting there, I did get Zane quiet in the pack n play but he was not lying down, rather peeking over the edge at the doorway across the hall where I was getting Macy changed for bed. My Aunt walks down the hall, goes to the door of the room where he is, shoves her head in his line of sight and shouts BOO! Great for soothing kids. I could have strangled her. I did remember to bring the kids' blankets and sleep toys from home so that helped some. At least I am telling myself it did. I also remembered my Xanax and that did help some too. Ah, home for the holidays. Sometimes I forget why we moved away, then it all comes back to me in great rushing clarity.

Credit cards must die - or at least the people who work for the banks that issue them

Okay, I know there will be people who will say this situation is my fault and I should just own that and be responsbile - and all of you are cordially invited to kiss my arse because if you bother to read the whole thing, you will see the issue is NOT my responsibility at all. If you still disagree, great, write your own blog about it - this is my space to rant! Lets go all the way back to the 30th of October when our WaMu payment was due. For various reasons, mainly due to the current economy, we simply didn't have enough money to go around and the bill went unpaid. Roll forward to last Thursday, Nov 6th. We got the first call from WaMu advising me that the bill was past due, and thanks to additional fees and such now it was over the limit as well. Nice. I told the gentleman who claims his name was Steve but his hindu accent was so thick I could barely understand him, I said we would be paying them via ETF on next Wednesday, the 12th. I even gave him a minimum payment amount and asked if the account could please be noted since we were late. I owned that we didn't pay on time and it was now costing us thru the nose but we were going to pay them on the 12th and thank you for calling to let me know, have a good day. This was about 8:45am when he called. Between that time and 9pm that night, we got 7 more calls from Wa Mu. SEVEN MORE in about 12 hours, after I had given the info to "Steve" and thought all was well. Friday comes, we got 9 calls from them between 8am and 9pm. Woke Zane up with the last call - thank you very much. I told the 3rd caller (first two came in before I got out of bed) the exact plan I had told "Steve" 24 hours earlier, but in a less friendly tone. Still cordial, but terse. Saturday... seven more calls - three of them DURING the Gator game which was an 8pm game so it was kinda late if you ask me. I told the mid-day caller the exact same plan as I told "Steve" 48 hours previous and "Tom" 24 hours earlier, which had not changed other than in my tone of voice. Well, maybe a few words were now different but as none of them speak English well enough to understand, no worries. Sunday....day of rest, beautiful day. Six calls this day and one was answered with the same plan again detailed in loud, small and some very nasty words for "Sheila" to put on my account. I asked for a supervisor but she refused to transfer me so I questioned her parentage a bit, added some colorful animal parts references and eventually hung up on her. Monday now. Any guesses on the number? Nine. Nine calls that I heard - I did put the phone in a drawer for a bit and our caller ID doesn't stack them up, just writes over the repeated numbers. I did answer three of them. Not nicely, didn't care to be nice at this point. I am trying to work, take care of the kids and these ......people..... are calling me more than once per hour on average now. I called in to the "customer service" number off our statement, demanded to talk to a person whose FIRST language was English and was refused multiple times. I took a few minutes to gather my thoughts, tried to be nice and repeated my plan, now under 48 hours until payment will post mind you, and thought just maybe I had gotten thru with "Vida" which may or may not be her given name. They called 3 more times after the 45 minutes she and I were on the phone mind you but I let it go to voicemail....somehow. One of those times hubby answered and told them if they called us once more we would not pay them and if they think we are kidding then just try me! Now we're up to Tuesday, November 11. Anyone who knows me also knows that I have issues with the number 11 11 and hey, today's date is just that. Too bad they didn't know about that, might have saved them a lot of time and a lot of hearing me speak loudly in small but colorful words without letting them speak but demanding to be put thru to a supervisor. The calls began at 8:20am. I was awake but wasn't out of bed for the first one, but when I got out of the shower at 8:30, the phone was ringing. Guess who!? I didn't answer it as the kids were waking up and they are far more important. I get them settled with morning drinks/foods/TV (yeah I said it, TV) and at 8:45 the phone rang again. It was them. That is three calls in 25 minutes, while I am trying to have time with my kids. That did it. I snatched the phone up - see and there is a problem with cordless phones, you can't snatch them up or slam them down with any authority - and simply said "WHAT?" To this "Bill" replies with "Is this Michelle?" like he is my best friend or something. I ask, "who did you call?"....silence...."Is this Michelle Vance?" Again, phone getting quite cold with the tone of my voice, "who did you call?" He then proceeds to try and get assertive which was a fatal error and he needs to thank God (or whomever) that I really can't reach thru a phone and kill someone and I ended up shouting to put me thru to a supervisor NOW or hang the $%^& up and stop calling me or I will hunt you down and kill you, your family and your friends. I was a bit miffed you see. I pressed the 'off' button on my handset with much too much force - the best you can do with cordless when you want to slam down the receiver. Then I called WaMu's "customer service" number and went thru all of the BS again, for the fifth time in five days if you're keeping count. Got thru to "Vida" again, she says she cannot help me but will transfer me - actually hung up on me. Called right back, got thru to "Roberta". Sounds like an English speaking person, we talk, me much louder and emphatically. She assures me she is noting our account right now, the calls will stop so long as our payment is made on the 12th as promised. She says she blocked any further calls thru the 14th to allow time for processing the payment. Anyone care to guess what happened 90 minutes later? Yep! Another call from WaMu. I let it go to voicemail while I gathered my notes from all the calls and I called back in. Spoke with Nicole and Lori this time. Mind you I was on hold for more than 10 minutes for this to happen, but still. Between Nicole and Lori I was on hold and my call waiting beeped. GUESS WHO?!?!?! I mean, really. I am on the $%%^&^#^%& phone for the umpteenth time with these jerks, trying to get ONE of them to do their damn job and I look at the caller ID on the handset while on hold for this process and damned if they weren't calling me AGAIN!!!!! I told Lori this and asked her to please note that if I got ONE more call from them, they would not get one penny from my pocket EVER. Turn me over to collections I do not care but if you call me again I will become your worst nightmare and you not only will not get paid, your employees will be harrassed constantly because I work from home, have a cable modem and a redialer program on the VOIP line and I am not afraid to use it. I explained that a credit card is unsecured debt and if they would like to get the funds, they will leave me the hell alone and we will pay them as we have always paid them save for this one time. Oh yeah, did I mention this whole ordeal is because we are (now) 7 days late on a $62 payment for the FIRST time ever? Credit cards are a necessary evil but they are indeed EVIL. Our WaMu card will be mailed to them in many many tiny pieces with a scathing letter and I don't care that it will make no difference to them, at least I got it out of my system. I may just not pay them anyway now. It's the principle now. I did point out that their own company had to be bought out or go out of business so surely they understand not paying a bill on time once.....likely more. They didn't care for that comment nor did they have an answer for it.

That's It. I'm Done....

Okay so today was supposed to be one where I got up, did my Friday morning errands, a bit earlier than usual and without the kids, and came home to finish getting ready to leave for a weekend trip to see the BFF and family. Given that it is 2pm and I am online, you can guess that isn't how things worked out. I did my part, stayed up until 2am and got up at 6:30am to finish my work (my fault I was off schedule and it wasn't done) and then off to the bank, quick trip to grab a few things for the weekend visit and that is what I did. Before I left, I woke up the hubby, said can you please get up (9am now) and tend to the kids and start getting ready to go so I can get out of here now and back home faster. He agreed. I go about my business, knowing that I need this weekend away from home so bad that I can barely contain myself at the thought of hitting the road. Kids were even excited, well the 3 year old was. Called home 3 times to say I was at this point in my list, do I need anything else; again to say I decided to just hit Publix and whatever else we need we will get there as I was told there are both Target and Wal Mart nearby; third call to say turn on the oven, I am en route with brunch (pizza as requested) and we can get loading up while it cooks. I get home......not one single thing has been done. Well, the 14 mo old had breakfast. No bags packed, nothing cleaned up. Nothing. I left a very specific list for each child's needs to be packed, brought in from the shed the things that we needed to take -included them on the lists - and put suitcases in our bedroom to be packed for us. Didn't leave a list for his suitcase, he is old enough to know how and what he needs to pack. Not ONE item. Left a final 'to-do' list showing bathroom needs cleaning, empty trash, scoop cat boxes, etc and not one thing was done from that list either. I figured surely he at least packed his own bag. I was wrong. I decided that if the acceptable way to do things is to sit on my ass and let them be done for me then by God that is what I am going to start doing. I can't take this level of stress where I have to do/think/act and plan for every simple task for the entire family so I am just going to sit on my ass, like he does, and see what happens. We may get overtaken by dirty laundry and no one will likely eat a decent meal. I am not paying the bills, doing the budget - none of it. I will make sure the kids are taken care of, not to worry, but they are where I draw the line. If it is okay to be so damned inconsiderate of everyone else in the house, that's what I will do. I would prefer to have a clean, well run house with responsibilities taken and shared but I am so worn out from being the only one to do so. That's it. I'm done.....

Passing on Traditions or Forcing Them?

We have reached an impasse and I am not sure if it is the big deal that some others are making it out to be. I have been discussing Halloween with Macy for a month or so, trying to discover what she wanted to dress up as and explaining the baisc idea of trick-or-treating to her. We dressed her up when she was 5 months old and took her out, not that she had a clue what the deal was but she was adorable. We posed her in many costumes with props and took tons of pics. Last year, we found the cutest witch costume in Cracker Barrel and bought that knowing that with her coloring the costume would just "pop" and she would be beautiful. She was. Notice there are a lot of "we" terms in this? She didn't really have much interest in it either time but went along because WE bought the stuff, dressed her in it and drug her door to door. She never once uttered "Trick-or-Treat", she didn't hold the goody bag and most times she hid her face when the door opened. Even in Publix, where she routinely 'holds court' with all the sweet little old grandmothers and great grandmothers in there who cannot help but stop to say hello, she wouldn't participate and insisted Daddy carry her. So now here is my situation. I asked, prodded, suggested and got out of her that she would be a mermaid this Halloween. I scoured the entire south end of Sarasota county to find a mermaid costume for her. I contemplated a costume intended for a large Dog at one point because I could not find a people one. Then something told me to get to Target and do it fast. I went in and was even distracted by a few shiny objects as I made my way toward the Halloween area, but each time I stopped, I would hear that voice saying to get my butt to the costume area NOW! I walk back there, I find adult sizes, kids sizes, accessories, makeup - no toddler sizes. Okay voice, what was the big rush? They don't even have her size of anything! Keep looking, walk around. Once again I follow the urgent sounding voice in my head and - TA DA!!! I see ONE toddler costume, and it is a mermaid. To be fair, there were actually dozens of costumes, but I only saw the one and I could swear it had an ethereal glow to it. Maybe it was my tired foggy brain, relieved to have found it at the 5th store I stopped in that day. Anyway, I zoom over to it, size 4... she wears 3T but it will do, I have safety pins, needle and thread, duct tape - whatever it takes. No accessories, but I can improvise. I find silver glittery mary janes, perfect! The tail of the costume has silver glitter too - I am ecstatic! Grab and go home, savor the thrill of the hunt and finding exactly what I was looking for. A couple days later, I go get all sorts of sparkly shiny things to attach to the costume, just to make it really stand out. I am so excited about how this is going to look!! Again, notice there is a lot of use of the pronoun "I", not much about Macy. I bring it all home, gather it on the table to begin my masterpiece when I get a call from my Mom. She found the matching crown for the costume!! She is sending it right down! This is going to be the best mermaid costume ever and Macy will be so amazing in it, I can hardly wait. When the crown arrives, I carefully open the box, revealing the treasure inside. How beautiful this will be perched on her red curls!! I lay out all of the pieces, can't wait to show Macy how adorable she will be for Halloween! She comes over to look at it, takes it all in for maybe 5 seconds and says....... I don't want to be a mermaid. I want to be a puppy. Thinking on my feet, I say we don't have a puppy costume but we have this beautiful mermaid costume. Now she claims she doesn't want to be a puppy but a kitty. I said "How about a catfish?" which is going to look remarkably like a mermaid with whiskers of glitter. She agrees to be a catfish. I let it slide, knowing when to walk away from a battle. I find out that the Charlie Brown / Great Pumpkin special is coming on, figure this will be a great chance to pass on a tradition of watching holiday specials. Well, I wasn't allowed to watch them until I was almost in high school, but still. So I tell Macy after dinner, if she will pick up all her toys and put them away then she can get into jammies and come into Mommy and Daddy's room and lie on the big bed with all the pillows and watch a special show! She is hooked right away. She picks up toys like you never saw, gets into jammies so fast the show wasn't quite on! So I make a deal of talking up Halloween, how much fun it is, getting treats and being outside and seeing all the people and homes in full decor. I put aside my work and pile on the bed too, crank on the bigscreen, and here comes The Great Pumpkin. She watched about 8 minutes total and that was largely because I made her sit down and look at the TV. As it was about to go off, I asked her if now she was excited to go trick-or-treating? She said she doesn't want to go at all. I reminded her there will be candy..... chocolate candy, if she goes. Nope, don't wanna go trick or treating. I will just stay home and watch it on TV. Now comes the part where I am flipping a coin. My family tells me that she is getting too mouthy and I need to remember who is Mom and make her do what I say, period. I just don't know if forcing a child to participate in something "extra" like Halloween is really such a smart idea. When I look back over the preparations, it was 99% me and 1% her agreeing with me. Did I do all the searching and planning because I want to be that mermaid out there or did I do it because she should take part, like it or not? I kind of think her not wanting to dress up and go out to ask for treats is really not a big deal. Not like she will be scarred for life if she doesn't go, right? Halloween is 2 days away and I really wish I knew what the 'right' thing to do was.

Going Native, ch 2

Spot the Native Behavior There are things that happen in Florida which will cause many a faint hearted soul to gasp in amazement and flutter something to fan themselves. The ones who do this are not natives. We have seen it all, and yes I am a native, born in Gainesville and never moved out of the state. For that matter I have only even traveled outside these sandy, high priced shorelines for far-to-few vacations and no further north than Illinois, no further west than Texas. South and east treks were the ports of call for cruises – all two of them. I can’t imagine life better than here so why bother leaving? Back to the native behaviors, and amusedly, the non-native ones as well. It is assumed by those living in the middle states and maybe others that all Floridians live and breathe to go to the beach, Disney World and eat oranges picked right off our own trees. Disney is too expensive and when you’ve seen it, you’ve seen it. Fresh oranges and other citrus fruits are good, make great juice and for the first year it was cool to have it right outside your door and to send to people who think all juice comes from the freezer case. Then it becomes a chore to pick up the fruit that falls on the ground so you let it fall, kick it into the neighbor’s yard, and mow over it which does add a nice fragrance to the scent of fresh cut grass. Then that gets old and you just ignore it and let it rot. This takes about 4 days to start and you will know it has begun by the droning of the zillion or so flies that swarm to it. There is also the matter of fruit rats. No one ever told me about fruit rats but I know about them now. They love for you to let fruit rot on the ground, saves them having to climb the tree. They then also love to come into your attic or under your house and make all kinds of noise which causes the cats inside to stare intently at the walls, floor and ceiling making you wonder what they are looking at so you look at it too. Natives who know about the rats and flies and wonders of picking up mushy rotten fruit will not let on to anyone else, it amuses us to see the reactions. Non-natives will simply call a pest removal company. Natives just wait them out, and give seedling fruit trees as gifts. As for the beach, we can take it or leave it. I live less than ½ mile to the beach and I go there maybe twice a year. I know it’s there and sometimes that is all you want, to know its there. When I do go the beach, I see more non-natives than locals. You can spot them. Some could be mistaken for oversized footballs by the look of their skin which has been tanned, much like leather, and some of them are the exact shape as well. The other extreme would be the ladies who go to the beach in full makeup and wearing heels. Why anyone would do this is beyond me. Either you will sweat so much that your “face” will slide right off and scare the hell out of the men you were hoping to attract or you will find that the men are only looking at the girls who don’t have to pile it on with a trowel and can get away with teeny bikinis. I also cannot fathom why anyone would think wearing heels to the beach is a good look. Your shoes will sink down into the sand and either come off every other step or get so filled with sand that you have to stop and empty them constantly. By the time you make it to a prime spot on the sand from the car, the sun has set and now you have to get back to the car before dinner. Personally I can’t walk on the beach any way but barefoot. Sand gets into any type of shoes and makes walking a chore so I just kick them off as soon as I park. Natives will know that the beach is the place to see and not be seen. Suddenly it seems that people, women in particular, want to take tiny little dogs with them everywhere. I don’t like tiny dogs and I don’t much care for people who force me to deal with them in places dogs should never be. I love my pets as much as anyone but I can’t think of a single reason to take them to the grocery store, out to eat, or into clothing stores. I am not terribly fond of taking my kids to these places never mind my pets. Natives do not carry tiny dogs in oversized, overpriced purse-like bags. We may drape a snake around our neck and walk around with that, but not a dog. That’s just silly. Native Floridians don’t own “winter” clothing. We don’t own a lot of clothing for that matter, its hot as hell most of the time and the less you wear, the more comfy you are. We will walk around in bathing suit tops, shorts and flip flops. All the time. If it gets cool, maybe add a t-shirt to that ensemble. For me, if I get invited out to eat and the restaurant doesn’t allow tank tops and/or flip flops, I ain’t goin’. I have dressy versions of these articles of clothing and footwear and so long as I am not kicking off my flip flops and the tank top is not wet, I can see no reason for them to look down on my attire. My Dad wore a pair of cutoff Dickies brown work pants, a cutoff t-shirt and slip on loafers from K-Mart with black socks everywhere he went, year round. He didn’t think men should wear flip flops and wearing loafers without socks was not his thing. He was not native to Florida or he would have known better. This isn’t to say it does not get cold here, it does indeed. Not for very long and not as cold as most other places, but it gets cold enough to make me wear jeans and a light jacket. At least half the day. In north central Florida, where my family lives, we go up for visits and during the winter it is quite cold up there. Frost on the ground, frozen pipes and crank up the heat cold. We don’t visit much during the winter, it’s nicer at home. Natives do not pull off the road to point at and take pictures of wildlife. Alligators in particular, do not interest us. We also know better than to take our tiny dogs out for a walk along the edge of any body of fresh water. The best advice I can give for non-natives about the waters here, always assume any body of fresh water that is deeper than 2 feet will have at least one alligator in it at some point. Also be advised that alligators like tiny dogs, especially ones that smell like the inside of overpriced handbags. Natives will not enter a water hazard to retrieve an errant golf ball. Let’s face it; golf balls are not as expensive as Emergency Room visits or prosthetic limbs. As for the salt water, always assume there are sharks in it. They too like the taste of tiny dogs but will also snack on humans or anything else in their way. This is especially true if you are in the water, wearing a dive suit and swimming far enough from shore that you cannot make out anything clearly and at dawn and dusk which is when they feed. There are many other things in salt water that will bite, sting or generally cause you discomfort if you disturb them. These things get disturbed easily and hold grudges. Natives know how to walk in water doing the “stingray shuffle” to warn of their approach so the stingrays can relocate to avoid being stepped on, which disturbs them. Admittedly it would tick me off something fierce to be stepped on by something as big as a person and if I have only one defense which is to lodge a painful barb into the unsuspecting, if deserving, offender – you can bet I would do it too. Natives do not walk into the water to get a better look when someone says “there is something out there”, we know there are lots of ‘somethings’ out there and we don’t want to be out there with them. Natives do not bring complicated food to the beach. No sandwich fixings, no potato salad, and no make-your-own taco bars. We know food at the beach has to be simple, easy to handle and resistant to sand, or at least not ruined by sand. We’ve all eaten at least a pound of sand in our lives but we can take it. Natives do not pack up to leave the beach and pick up the big blanket or towels and shake them out so a large cloud of flying sand covers everyone and everything within a 5 foot radius. Unless we have been subjected to their incessant nasal twang complaining about the things we hold near and dear as Floridians, then maybe a bit of sand to grate on their nerves – or any other exposed surfaces – is justified. Natives do paint their houses in odd colors and maybe we drink a bit before 5, but hey they say it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere. We do have a tendency to become more laid back the further south you travel in Florida. The people living in Key West are so damned laid back they’re almost horizontal. One visit there has me hooked, can’t wait to go back and soak up more of the “we’ll get to it later, have a drink now” way of life. We heard a sage bit of advice while visiting there: “when you leave a bar in Key West, always take your drink with you, it could be 30 – 35 steps to the next bar” and I think that was a stretch. More like twenty, unless they actually meant from the bar itself to the next physical bar, not door-to-door. I cannot vouch for the legality of this advice, but it made sense to us at the time. I did play tourist there, after all I was on vacation and arrived by cruise ship. It was great fun but the next time, I will go native and sit and laugh at people who are not. Natives get a raw deal on the driving ratings. Many of us are perfectly good to great drivers, but we have to deal with people who ‘ain’t from these parts’ and despite coming here for half of every year for the last 20 years, they apparently forget where everything is resulting in surprise lane changes, stops and turns. I say “surprise” lane changes and turns because they rarely signal for their actual intent. I have driven behind a battleship sized sedan from the 70s where the only evidence of a driver was 8 ghostly white knuckles gripping the steering wheel who had on a left turn signal for more than 15 miles. The only reason I was behind them this long was that I didn’t know if they wanted to change lanes or perhaps that left turn was about to happen any minute now. Didn’t matter, they suddenly slam on brakes coming to a full stop and them make a right turn from the center lane. Apparently the road used to be only 2 lanes and the feed and tack store that sells flour by the 50 pound bag which you can use to sew a fine dress used to be on this corner. Mind you it is now a Wal-Mart strip mall off a 4 lane super highway, but that’s not how they recall it.