Freak Show in the Frozen Foods

You know, I am as easy going and laid back casual as any other Mom of 3 (yes, I count the hubby) who is about to lose her house due to a significant cut in income and having to figure out where when and how to move while trying to pay bills, catch up what has gotten behind and then has her desktop - nay, her very lifeline to the outside world and all that it offers - crash and die right in front of her....but all that aside I am pretty evenly keeled most days. Tonight kinda pushed my buttons a bit, although I did manage to paste on a fake smile and entertain for the crowds without ripping each of them a new ass. So there I was, in Publix for the weekly grocery run. I like to go at night when Daddy is home and the kids can bounce off him for a while, and yes I do sometimes take my sweet time but whats your point? I was just getting the last things on my list from the frozen foods section when a couple walked up to the door a couple down from where I was immersed from the waist up because apparently no one re-stocks the Kid Cuisines my daughter MUST have until they are completely gone so I had to climb in the cooler to get them. I hear them murmuring to each other and can see them pointing at my cart. I back out of the cooler, target in hand, and they continued to look at my cart, then at me, then back to my cart as they scurried away like the cowards they must surely be. Of course now I am wondering so I looked at the cart, then at myself, saw nothing unusual so I shrugged it off. Enter lucky couple #2. They actually walk right up to my cart as I am now searching for the blueberry muffin tops frantically (they moved them - again!) and this time I can clearly hear the conversation they have. "Oh my lord, would you LOOK at that cart!" from the lady, well the female one of the two. Followed by "Whoa! That is incredible, honey did you get a load of this cart going on here?" from the male counterpart who clearly is an idiot as she has just said she can clearly see it. Then I get "Wow, that is quite a lot you have shoved in there" and "Just how many people are you buying for?" in rapid sequence. To my credit I did not flog either of them with the box of frozen mini pancakes now in my hand. To my dismay, I smiled sheepishly and AGREED with the morons. "Yeah, this is quite a haul. Wonder if the wheels will still turn?" and just walked away. Cue the bagboy. I have confirmed that plastic will be fine, thank you for asking, and am trying to unload in the OCD manner I prefer. All frozen together and first, followed by produce, then all meats together, dairy is next (refrigerated stuff) and last are the canned and dry goods with bread, eggs and chips bringing up the rear. I did have a big 18lb bag of cat food that I ran across the scanner while the cashier was trying to get something else to scan and taking far too long to do so. The bagboy begins with "Man, you having a party?" I wasn't sure what prompted that comment - the stack of Kid Cuisines or the can of formula - so I just smiled and simply said "Nope, just grocery night" thinking that was the last of it. There was more. I had picked up a box of doughnuts from the bakery, dont need them but then who does. He looks at those and says again, "Oh you are having a party"....what about a dozen doughnuts suggests a party is beyond me, but again, I blew it off with "Oh those are for my hubby to take in to his office" (total lie, they are for home) and he just kept on...gonna need another cart - "why? I got it up here in one cart". That sure is a lot of stuff...."yes, it is a lot but it is for a family of four, for more than a week of some stuff" my only comeback, although I could feel myself getting irritated. We finally get all of my masses of groceries that apparently was enough to cause gawking and thoughtless comments ready to go to my van. I put the box of doughnuts on top of the seat area, where some boxed goods were, so they would not get smashed. I also put on top of the doughnut box a gift bag, tissue paper, a card and curly ribbons I picked up for a sweet little girl's bithday gift that I hope will be on time for her party. I also didn't want those smashed. To his credit, the bagboy did offer to take my groceries to the car, nevermind that it is Publix policy, many of them don't. Here we go, walking to my car and he is still at it "Sure hope you have enough room for all of this" .... dude, I am a Mom, I could pack the whole cart and your dead body in a Miata. Still forcing a smile, I only said "Oh I'm sure it will be fine". Then I hear something odd, turn to look back and the curly ribbons were blowing across the parking lot!! The idiot didn't even notice!! Now I am mad. I said, "Hey! You're letting my stuff fall all over and get ruined!" His only response? "oh, yeah I guess they fell"....really? You guess they fell? What the hell was your first clue - that they were on the damn nasty ground?? So I go chase them down and put them back on top, making sure to tell him to please watch that stuff....and what does Mr Einstein do? Presses his hand down on top of it all - picture the scene....curly ribbons, card, tissue paper, 3D gift bag...being pressed down on rather firmly...oh yes did I mention they were sitting on top of my BOX OF DOUGHNUTS???? Then he sees a Ford Excursion parked near where I was walking and is all "Oh, this blue one is yours? Yeah, you need an SUV that big for your kinda shopping!" I stopped for a second, looked at him with a look that usually halts charging pitbulls and said "No, in fact mine is NOT the blue one. It is the red minivan two spaces down and there is a huge stroller in the back so you will have to be careful" Then I parked the cart against the side of my van and opened the gate so he could put stuff in, but I took the doughnuts and laid them on the front seat so they wouldn't be likely to slide around. I also grabbed all the bags with breads or eggs in them since he was lobbing bags in the cargo area like a friggin firebox tender on a steam train. I did thank him for his help, sadly he wouldn't know sarcasm if it bit him squarely on the ass. When exactly did it beome appropriate to gape and gawk at people's grocery carts, and comment on the stuff they are buying?? The more time I thought about these people and their behavior, the madder I got! They have no business all up in my business about what I buy! I didn't comment on their nasty food choices or how gaunt they looked and it might indeed be due to the lack of red meat and processed foods in their diets. I mean seriously, these were the comments I heard tonight! From people in a grocery store - they were shocked and awed. I wont give you the list of contents verbatim, I could since I keep the receipts but I wont. Here is just an idea: 2 6pks drinkable yogurts; 2pks shredded cheeses; 3 half gals of choc milk; 1 gal reg milk; 4 bottles Juicy Juice (BOGO); 4 boxes Nutri Grain cereal bars (BOGO); 4 packs ground beef; 1 pk chicken wings; 1 gal OJ; some canned goods; pk of sliced cantaloupe, banana bunch and cut up watermelon; some onions, 5lb bag of potatoes and a small head of cabbage; 6 Kid Cuisine dinners (dont judge); a box of mini pancakes and a box of muffin tops; underneath was the cat food, one 12pk soda and cat litter. What about any of that seems excessive for a week to 10 days for a family of 4?? Oh yes, and the box of doughnuts on top. Sheesh, can't a girl shop without being judged and condemned? Maybe I should put a "dontations please" jar on the front of my grocery cart. Oh, maybe Publix should do like Ross and attach big silver poles to their carts and I could pole dance, earn some tips to help cover my obviously ginormous grocery bill. Hey, if they wanna gawk, lets give 'em something to gawk about!

Welcome kits for people moving to Florida I guess if people are going to insist on continuing to move to Florida from other places where they have lived their lives just fine until seeing all the fun we have here, then the least we can do is make them feel welcome. In this line of thinking, I have come up with a “Welcome to Florida” kit that should make the transition a bit easier. Each kit will contain the basic items, plus we can customize it with a few extras as they apply. BASIC KIT: Welder’s mask. These people have no idea how strong the sun is here in Florida, but this should help them until they can build up the calluses on their eyes that are needed to survive. Plus this will protect them from the repeated smacks to the head they will surely be dealt for coming here and trying to tell us how wonderful life was back in wherever they came from and how things were done better/faster/bigger there. If it was so damned wonderful, why are you here? List of Dermatologists: They will become your best friend, especially when you don’t heed the warnings about the sun and start having “spots” show up on you in places maybe the sun hasn’t even seen. Plus this way we won’t have to be sitting down to eat while you discuss your various skin disorders and how they ooze, bleed and turn colors. Loudly. Turn Signal Replacement Bulb: There will only be one, it’s all you will use anyway. Given that turn signal bulbs are made in the same fashion as other light bulbs, they have a use limit before they will simply ‘blow’ and stop working. All vehicles come with a working set, at least 4 bulbs installed at the outer corners of your vehicle. At some point, they will begin to give out and when the first one happens, you will change the bulb. Then you will notice how many times people make turns or lane changes without benefit of using the signal. At first, you will be outraged, make a fuss and maybe a gesture. Then slowly, it will start to seem like a good idea. Why use up the short life of your turn signal so quickly? What if you only used it every-other time you needed to – this will double the life span of the bulb! Once you have accepted this as a good idea, your penny pinching early bird eating self will decide that if you only use it on the 3rd Tuesday of the month, and only then if its foggy that morning (no matter what time of day you drive)…suddenly this bulb is lasting for years longer than it was supposed to. Next thing you know, you have gone into full blown “Save the Bulbs” mode and you just no longer use the damn things at all. See? One is all you will need. You are allowed to donate your bulb to your buddy who takes the opposite approach and leaves his signal on for 90% of his driving life. List of Endangered Species to watch for: We have a few species here that are in danger of being wiped out completely. It is a good idea to know which ones to keep a look out for because if you are found doing harm upon, feeding stuff to or aiming your car at in an attempt to see how fast they really are, you could be arrested, fined large sums of money or at least frowned at forcefully. Let’s review some of them. Sandhill Cranes: pretty birds, smaller than an Emu, bright red feathers on their heads. Very tight with the mates and keep the chicks (little cranes, not girls) close. They can be seen in a variety of parking lots, along side busy highways and streets and on golf courses. I think some of the areas in which they ‘hang out’ may be directly contributing to the decline in their numbers. They don’t really get out of the way of cars, more so they look at them in wonder as they come REALLY close. Gopher Tortoises: Look a lot like turtles but they live on dry land. They do like water and tend to cross roads and highways to get to a body of water. As they are tortoises they do this really slowly and likely this is not good for keeping a lot of them alive. It is okay to stop in the road (check for traffic first), hit your flashers and remove the tortoise to the side of the road safely. If you do this, don’t hold it up near your body – it will pee on you. I think the rapid mobility scares them. Florida Panthers and Bobcats: They are really pretty and really fast so you likely won’t get to see many. Plus they get killed a lot. Given the speed of these cats, for them to get hit by a car means the car was going WAY too fast in the first place, but no one seems to get that connection. Drive the speed limit, watch for wildlife. Not hard. They were here first and they should have right of way. If you do see one in your yard, DON’T try to pet it. They are beautiful but will attack. If one is between you and your house, go ahead and find other accommodations. At least for the night. Actual Florida Natives: We are easy to spot. We are everything you want to be; only we don’t have to work at it. Don’t approach too fast, think before you speak to one and remember we were here first. Sad to say, but our numbers are indeed dwindling. Relaxation tools: I don’t want to get into trouble by insisting that newcomers be injected with narcotics. They will have ample opportunity to sample them on their own later. I do think if the following items are used properly, it just might help them adjust. Do be careful that you don’t OD on this, the combination is addicting. A “Hawaiian” shirt. Yes, you are moving into Florida and yet the welcome kit has a “Hawaiian” shirt. If it makes you feel better, call it an “island style” shirt. Hard to be a jerk in a loudly colored flowing shirt that likely has flowers, parrots and tropical drinks all over it. A seashell and/or shark tooth necklace. Its hard to be stressed with these things around your neck, no one would take you seriously anyway. A bottle of “Hawaiian Tropic” suntan lotion. Not sunscreen, not oil, just the old standard. When you smell this stuff for more than 10 minutes a day, you can’t be anything but relaxed. By the way, it might say “Hawaiian Tropic” but it is made in Florida. A Jimmy Buffet CD. My personal choice would be what I refer to as “the yellow album” because the entire jacket is yellow and has red letters on it but I forget the title. It might be Margaritaville, it might be a ‘greatest hits’ album. Does not matter. If you listen to Jimmy, you will find yourself loving island life before you know what it even is. Flip flops. Get over your loafers and workboots, these are the shoe of choice in Florida. They are not comfortable until you break them in so quit bitching about how they hurt between your toes and give it a day or two. DO NOT wear socks with Flip Flops unless you just want your ass kicked. Cold beer or frozen drink. As they say, “It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere. Just go with it. Go to a hole in the wall bar in midday. Sip your drink outside on the deck. Go to a Tiki Bar – any Tiki Bar – and take it all in. Extras: What the hell else could you need? You just got a kick ass welcome kit that will have you fitting in and feeling good in no time. You need more? Wal-Mart is open 24 hours a day, go get it your damn self. I am gonna sit right here in my Hawaiian shirt, reeking of coconut scented lotion with my flip flops on the floor under my crossed ankles up on the railing around the Tiki Bar and drink my frosty beverage while singing with Jimmy. I aint moving.