Oh yeah, I do have a Blog to maintain....oops

Okay so it has been a while... a long while...since I was here and wrote anything. I tried reading my last entries and I cannot do it. I mean, I have the ability, I just can't do it. We are coming up on the 1 year mark since Zane broke his leg and he is doing amazingly well. You would likely never know he was injured, save for the continuous warnings by me to not run in the house or he will fall. He still is not 100% potty trained, but I have to think that has more to do with the trauma of falling off the potty stool and breaking his leg than his ability to master the task. I am reasonably sure if I had done similar, my own approach to whatever it was would be very cautious. We go back in a few weeks to have his legs measured to be sure there was no growth inhibited. He will have to have xrays, and the mere thought of putting him back into that setting without him fully understanding why has me concerned already. Cross that bridge when we get there, tho.

Anyway, to recap - Zane is great, Macy is great and we have all made it into 2011 in reasonable health. I have a newfound passion that indeed takes a lot of my time, but because I enjoy it so much, I don't really mind. I became a Paranormal Investigator. Yes, like the guys on TV, a ghost hunter if you will. I LOVE IT. It all happened quite by accident it seemed at the time, but now I wonder if there were not forces at work 'behind the scenes' of sorts. I've made some wonderful new friends, formed a team of investigators with some of them even. I've gotten to meet other paranormal investigators all over Florida in person and online I've 'met' them all over the US and beyond. Some are people I consider to be great friends, some I am incredibly drawn to and find myself absorbing their information like a sponge. Some, well, as with all large groups, some are nuttier than a squirrel turd. This is not always a bad thing, but sometimes it is just too much.

I spend WAY too much of my time on Facebook. It was not something I even wanted to mess with a couple of years ago, and now I can't get thru my day without being on there. I guess it is my social life now, so I cling to it like a lifeline. I am still out of work so there are not funds to actually go out and have a social life, but I can't just sit in the house and do nothing. There are some who will argue that is exactly what I am doing, but I don't care. The house is not perfect but the people in it are clean, dressed and fed on a regular basis so I am fine with it. Yeah, I do not keep it as clean as I used to. I admit that I could do more, but I can't for the life of me find the urge to. I do okay.

Okay I am going to try very hard to maintain this thing like I said I would. I do like having the outlet and while I cannot imagine anyone actually wanting to read the stuff I write here, I do appreciate the support from those who do. Without my friends, I am not sure what I would do. You know who you are. Give yourself a little pat on the back or a bit of chocolate or something. You do good work.

Zane's Big Break...life with the cast begins

So I left off with us getting into a room for the night. Sadly no one got any rest because as we all know, a hospital is the very last place one can truly rest. Zane was having breakthrough pain between the 4 hour dosings of the Oxycodone, for which they were giving him morphine. Sure he was quiet and trying to sleep, but he would relax, move his leg slightly and jar himself awake and in pain. Or someone would come in to check him or the boy in the next bed. Or a machine somewhere would alarm. Or the intercom would crackle an announcement of a fire drill. Something. This went on all night, I know because I sat at his bedside, sideways in the "sleep chair" with my hands folded on the bedrail and my chin on top of them. My Mom sat in the other straight back chair with a blanket around her and her head on the extra pillow laying on the foot of the bed. Each time Zane would wake up, he would be scared and cry so I was keeping alert to try and soothe him right away, let him know Mom was there. During all of this time, he did get meds, as I mentioned. Thank God I was paying attention to this because around 6am a nurse came in for the other boy and I asked her if she could let our nurse know he was seeming to be in pain and needed something, and it was time for his Oxycodone again. Instead of that, she got the meds and came in with the syringe to administer the dose. She was literally 3 inches from his mouth (liquid meds, not injectable) when I noticed the dose. She dropped the syringe onto the bed just as I reached to grab her hand - mind you her other hand had his mouth ready for her to squirt it in. I grabbed the syringe and told her "NO! This is NOT his meds, this is way too much do NOT give this to him!" She looked at me like I was nuts but said she would double check. She came back in and said, "Oh yeah, you were right. I thought the chart said 7ml so that is what I drew but his dose is 1ml" ...Yeah, you read that right. She almost gave him 7x the prescribed dose of a controlled narcotic. Thing is, for her to draw that dose, she had to enter it into a computer, which would then alert her to the change in dose since the last time and ask her to confirm the increase. I try very hard not to think how things might have gone.

Moving on, the gentleman who brought the breakfast tray in was incredibly nice and I have to say, the food smelled amazing, but Zane would not eat any. I had a juice cup I tossed into the tote bag from home and he only asked for juice so I gave him that. He chugged down 2 full juice cups, about 6oz per cup full, in record time. I called for Daddy to come up around 8am as we had a few things to go over with the care and maintenance of the cast as well as of Zane while he is in it. We watched a video, narrated by Dr Woo (remember that name for later) which honestly was no more than we had been told already but I get that they have to have some measure of saying you were "trained". Nurse Mary came in and showed me briefly how to change his diaper and while I did pay attention, I have no idea what she did or said. Some ladies from Child Protection Services came by to interview us AGAIN. They were nicer than the other lady but still annoyed me. Daddy and Macy wandered about and finally found the play area where there were two ladies helping kids make crafts. That was a lifesaver for us as Macy was bored stiff. Lunch came, smelling better than breakfast had and again, Zane refused even the mac and cheese but he drank some juice and chocolate milk. At Daddy's insistence I ate some of the lunch and I can tell you it was very good. I did not eat much, my tummy was not ready for food yet. We were visited by a very nice lady who loaned us a special car seat designed for kids in spica casts and she helped Lon put it into the van in place of Zane's carseat. She said that since they called for her, surely we would be discharged in short order. 4 hours later, we were. It was 5:30pm when we hit the road for home, 27 hours after arriving. We had a prescription to fill for his pain meds, I did get them to give him a dose just before we left, to be sure we had time to do all the shifting and shuffling. Good thing.

We stopped at Jonesville Publix to get the Rx filled. It was just before 6 now, keep in mind. I hand off the written info to the tech and she reads it, looks worried and walks to the pharmacist to confer. They both come back over and say that they cannot fill this Rx as there is no strength indicated on the instructions and it is too late to call the Dr for this info. I advised them of the situation and that there would indeed be some sort of pain meds given for this child TONIGHT even if that meant a partial fill and I come back in the morning for the rest. The Pharmacist asked me to give her 20 minutes and she would see what she could do. What she did was use her best judgment on the strength per dose and sent me on my way. We finally got him home about 7pm and then discovered the fun of life with this cast.

I could barely pick him up, the cast is wide and heavy and I am short with short arms. I can't reach around him and lifting him is hard for me. Daddy will do the lifting for now. We took inside all the folded blankets and pillows that they packed into the red wagon for us to take him out of the hospital in - yes, I took the damn pillows and blankets but left the wagon. We have one. We did not have the extra pillows and blankets tho. It took a few tries to get a place set up for him on the couch, but we did it. It took both of us to change him for the first few days, but we did that too. After a trip to CVS to buy adult diapers and some pantiliners and sanitary pads as was suggested to use inside his regular sized diapers, which have to be tucked under the edges of the cast, I came home and we decided to try it their way. Yeah that way sucked. I got online and read everything I could read about the care of children in these casts and with that knowledge, tackled it a new way. Mind you we did it their way long enough to know it was just not going to work for us, about 2-3 days. Once we tried the stuff I came up with, life got MUCH easier with this contraption and continues to be less of a pain in the neck now. With my way, he can actually be dressed and look somewhat normal and not have a disgusting looking adult diaper wrapped around the outside of the cast. I shared this info with the Ortho clinic staff.

The meds issue was good and bad. I still have no idea if the Rx was filled as intended because he was seeming to be in pain even a few days later. I called in and was advised to give Ibuprofen between Rx doses to control it. The other thing is, the Rx causes constipation so now he has a whole new issue of pain to deal with. One thing I can assure you is you do NOT want an explosive diaper while in this cast. After speaking with the nurse again, we tried some OTC meds that eventually did the job, so we're all good there. He was not helping by refusing to eat and drinking sparingly. You ever try to rationalize with a 2 year old? He will win. I did score by giving him V8 Fusion juice - you know the one that advertises a day's worth of fruits and veggies per serving - so at least he was getting nutrients. He was fine with, and continues to chug down, chocolate milk. I no longer care that he is being spoiled, I just wanted something going into his belly. We added the Pedia Sure drink with Fiber to help things out, but he caught on and refused the chocolate milk with that stuff mixed in. Oh well.

A full day at home and we found an issue with the cast. Thankfully the Ortho clinic was able to get us in right then so we sped off to see them and had about 1/5 inches trimmed off of the top of the right leg side. It was kind of high and pressing into, shall we say a "delicate area" for him. The cast tech there, Lindsey, he may go on our Christmas card list. He was SO helpful with showing us tricks and tips and alleviated some fears we had with handling Zane as well. He is amazing at what he does. Cannot find enough good stuff to say about Lindsey. Found out that transporting with the wagon is a huge pain in the butt, there has to be a better way!!! Leave it to me and the internet, I will find something!!

We have his first Orthopedic appointment on the 2 week mark of being in the cast. We will see Dr Woo (yes, he did the video) and we're hoping for the best. Until then all we can do is the best we can do and hope it isn't too terribly wrong. Oh yeah, we did have a stroller that actually works for him so I got the person who borrowed that a while back to return it and that has been GREAT! He likes to sit in that and it is much easier than the big wagon. He will be able to go out much more often using that and I know that will be far better than being house bound all the time he is also confined in the cast.

Life WILL get better, things will improve and maybe we will have good news from Dr Woo on the 23rd. Please?

Zane's Big Break

My little boy fell at home, just off of a step stool designed to help kids get onto the potty which is maybe 6" tall and has grippy feet. I was in our bathroom when he apparently decided to go potty by himself, and tho I am not certain how he did it, he fell. I got to him after hearing the scream and Macy coming to get me to say he was hurt. He was laying on the floor, crying inconsolably but there was nothing apparent that hurt. I lifted him up, tried to get him to stand and that elicited more screams, so I picked him up and took him to his room. I laid him on his bed, finished undressing him, which meant removing his shirt as he had taken off everything else in the bathroom. I got a clean diaper and put on him, feeling an odd 'click' in his right leg when I did so. Given the intensity of the crying that followed, I figured he had possibly dislocated his hip, so I only put the diaper on, handed him his "Fluppy Dog" and covered him with a blanket. I flexed his ankles, and that was fine, as were shoulders (remember there is NO mark on him to indicate what the issue was) and he was ok as long as I did not touch his right leg above the knee. I called Daddy, who had JUST left about 5 minutes before Zane fell, and said "You need to get back home. Zane is hurt and I think its bad, we need to take him to the ER." Daddy was northbound on I-75 so no real way to make a U-turn, but assured me he would be back as soon as he could get here. Since the crying had calmed down some, I thought it best to leave him there, safe and warm and seemingly happier while I investigated what happened. I walked into the bathroom to see the stool was wet, likely he tried to pee in the big potty and missed, and all around the toilet was wet and his clothes were in a pile where he removed each item. I cleaned up the wet stuff, picked up his clothes and went back to his room. As soon as I walked in, he tried to get up but ended up crying again with sheer agony written all over him. I called Daddy again, he assured me he was less than 10 minutes from home. I had Macy pack herself some quiet toys in her tote bag, explaining we had to take Zane to the hospital and only quiet toys were allowed there. I packed Zane's tote, no toys but with slip-on shoes and some clean, dry clothes. I was pretty sure he had dislocated his hip given the pain when it was moved, the clicking feel and how he was lying when I got to him. Daddy pulled in and we were actually able to get Zane into his carseat, just could not buckle the crotch latch. A risk I was willing to take. Loaded everyone into the momvan and by God we WENT to Shands like a bat out of hell. Thank you God for keeping us safe on that drive. We get there, I did not know the ER had moved so I am banging U-turns, then searching for parking in a seemingly tiny lot. Thankfully we found a spot, got out and I carried Zane into the building. With each step I made on my left foot, the side I was holding him on, he would whimper. Inside we were triaged fairly fast and sent to the Peds waiting area. It felt like a 30 minute wait, but may have been 5. Get into an exam room, go over everything that has happened. They prep him with an IV and did preliminary exams, noting his pain level each time his right leg was touched. I explained my theory of a displaced hip and they agreed it was possible, but they needed X-rays to confirm. Sure, go take X-rays, then lets get the joint put back into place, a quick shot of pain meds and orders to take it easy so we can go home. The Dr walked back in and the look on her face told me it was not a dislocated hip. My little boy had broken his leg. Badly. A spiral fracture. I felt like someone hit me in the gut with a shovel. How in the world did his leg BREAK from a 6" fall?? How was it not something minor?? How did I not know this and suddenly the memory of the 'click' in his leg when I diapered him hit me full force. Oh my God...had I made it worse? The Dr positioned herself in front of me, looking at me and said "this is not a simple injury. It is bad, it will be hard on him and on you. Brace yourself for all I am about to tell you." and I don't think I heard her entirely after that because all I could see in my mind was his little face when I touched his leg or moved him and the level of pain finally registered with me. I paid attention again when she said they were required by State law to report the injury to DCF. DCF?? Why?? He fell off of a stool, no one did this to him. It was an accident. She went on to tell me they were going to be at the hospital shortly and I needed to compose myself to talk with them. She also said they needed more X-rays so I sent Daddy with Zane to keep him settled. The look on Daddy's face when he returned, along with the clear signs he had been crying about as hard as Zane had, told me it was good I did not go with him. I would have punched someone. They took a total of about 25 X-rays, head to toe, and moving him this and that way - with NO pain meds for him. He was in agony. The Dr came back in, explained to us that he would have to be put under, using Ketamine, and have the bone reduced and set in something called a SPICA cast. She went over the risks involved in total sedation, but explained there was no alternative given what they had to do to get his leg set correctly. I nodded and signed, hoping for the best. They had us wait for the Peds trauma room to be free, and wheeled us over to wait for the teams to do this. Oh and during all of this, I called my Aunt, had her come pick Macy up and take her to her house first, then home to wait for us so Macy would be in her own room and so forth. Mind you, my Aunt lives about 2 blocks from me so this was not a huge imposition. With Macy safely taken care of, our focus turned to Zane. Then the call came down that the trauma room would not be ours just yet, so back to the exam room we went. DCF showed up, in all her glory. She was not unpleasant but her tone and leading manner were very annoying. The huge ACSO deputy with her kept me from telling her that I did in fact question her heritage by suggesting her parents either never married or were closely related. She interviewed me for almost 30 minutes. Then she asked me to go get Lon and send him to the little room, where he was asked less than 5 questions. We're waiting more now. Ortho Drs have stopped by, finally gave Zane some morphine and got his leg into a splint so he would stop trying to use it and create more pain. This was about 7:30. We got there at 2:30. Five hours of prodding and moving with nothing for pain and I am being interviewed for possible abuse? We got called back to Peds Trauma, where I knelt and prayed for a good 10 minutes solid. I just wanted him to be out of pain and only they could do that. Half of the team showed up, we were all set save for Ortho and we got the call. There had been an accident. A bad one. A guy had a badly mangled leg, with his motorcycle embedded into much of it. All Ortho hands on deck for this one. We got bumped, again. This time we went to something called Minor Care. It's now after 9 and he has had one dose of 1ml of morphine in all this time. Zane was exhausted. Every time he would fall asleep, he would relax and his leg would move, hurt, startle him and he would tense all limbs, creating more pain....it was a vicious cycle. Lon decided to go home to be with Macy. My Mom, who has worked at Shands for 20+ years was with Zane and I and he figured she could do me more good than he could. He went home but asked me to call and update him with what happened. It was about 11:45 when we were called back to Peds trauma, with the promise that it would happen this time. I did my best to comfort Zane as they prepped the room and equipment around him. When everyone finally showed, anesthesia walked in and told me what to expect, said "Lets do this" and in under 2 minutes my son was out. He looked like he had died. Eyes open but fixed, just one minute moving some and whimpering and BAM - out. That freaked me the hell out. Mom took me out of the room and I asked to go outside. I was losing it and I wanted no one around to see that happen. I called Lon once I regained my composure, told him they were finally getting him set and in the cast. He asked me what time it was - almost 2am. Twelve hours ago, we were flying to the ER and they were only just now getting him set. Mom and I went back inside as it was quite chilly that night. I asked her to direct me to a soda machine, I needed caffeine badly. We got drinks and went back to a waiting room, the same one I had sat in with DCF and the Deputy but this time was just us. She saw an intern she knew and asked him to look in on the procedure to see how it was going. He came back with, "It should not be long, but definitely stay here" with a nod to me and a slight shake of his head. A few more people came by that Mom knew, each of them expressing their thoughts and prayers for Zane. I could not tell you their names, aside from Marcus who was the one to check on things. Finally we were called into the room we had been in and out of several times waiting our turn. I knew what they explained to me, but it did not prepare me for seeing him. He is not a big boy, only weighed 28lbs (roughly, he would not let go of his Fluppy Dog to be weighed and to this very day some 10 days later he still has not) but he looked SO tiny and helpless. Then I realized he was still out, and asked why we were called in if he was not awake. I know the nurse did not intend to scare me, but she did. She said "We can't get him to come around and wanted to see if he will wake up for you". I of course heard nothing after "We can't get him to come around" and my heart about fell on the floor. I went to him, stroked his hair, his face, chest all while calling his name. Nothing. I resorted to the old knuckle in the breastbone and just barely a flicker. After about 10 minutes, his eyes opened. Thank you God, his eyes opened. All we were waiting on now was a bed assignment. As luck would have it, part of my Mom's job is bed control so she marched out of the room, got on an internal phone for about 5 minutes then came back to the trauma room. She told the nurse, "We will have a bed in less than 15 minutes" and in about 10, her cell rang and she was told he would be in 4539A. When the transport people came to move him, they didn't even know but were waiting on a page with the room number. Mom told them she knew and lets get him out of here so we went. Turns out we went under Archer Road, thru "the tunnel" and took him into the original building - we had been in the new tower where the ER moved to - but I didn't even realize all this. We got him into his room, the page came as we were in the hallway and sure enough, 4539A it was. Imagine that. The nurses got him settled into the bed, did his vitals and left. The charge nurse came and told us where we could get food and drink, brought extra blankets and left us for the night. Of course it was about 3:45am so it was almost over, but it was nice of them to try and let us adjust. There is more, but that will follow. This has wiped me out to re-live.

The law of averages is corrupt. I am pretty sure that if it adhered to actual averages, I would have a job by now. I have applied to no less than 118 jobs since we moved back home - and yes, I did get one offer from Wal Mart, but for less money than it would cost me to accept it (daycare, gas) so that would not really benefit us. I would love to be able to get out there and do a face to face application, but then I run into the situation of what to do with the kids during this time? Hubby works from home, yes, but he has to actually be able to work and not have 2 kids competing for his attention or trying to kill each other in the background. We can't have his work disrupted because it is our only income so I am in that old catch 22 loop. What exactly am I to do now? We have no health insurance, income is just barely covering living expenses and I can't seem to find anything to help. I even tried to apply online for a prep job at McDonald's but it will not accept applications using the browser we have...WTH?? The pressure is mounting to be sure and I can feel myself heading back into the abyss of depression because of this. Nothing like being made to feel like you are not worthy by dozens of employers a day to keep you down!! Work from home would be amazingly ideal, but I have yet to come across any of those offers that are legit. Everything asks for a fee of some sort to sign up and you know, that is a huge red flag. If I had money to toss around, I would not be looking for a job! I have to find an outlet to let me vent and kick and scream, and then hopefully to allow me to find that I am still the person I always was, and that I am worthy of having a job and doing my part to provide for my family. Hell, I can't even go back to school thanks to a fraudulent student loan obtained in my name almost 20 years ago that is now very delinquent. I can't seem to get anywhere with the department of education by explaining to them that I graduated from the school in question and did not use more than one loan - even when I provided a copy of my diploma. The school sent me copies of the "records" and the signatures on the 2 applications are so clearly NOT the same, it is sad. It is more than frustrating and now it is keeping me from furthering my education and training in a hope to do more for my family. Nice. Okay, I am done. I am just gonna go sit over there in the corner for a while.

Welcome back!

Wow, over six months since I last felt the need to rant?? That has to be a record!! Ok so in that time, a LOT has changed for us. We moved, finally!! I can't even say how good it is to be back home and with "my peeps" again. I feel like the old me is coming forth again and I can't wait for her to get here full time. The move itself was rough, involved a great deal of last minute unplanned stuff, including needing 2 trucks to get us here - good lord do we have a lot of STUFF. It was great to have a friend come stay with us down there for a week and help with the packing and moving up. I guess maybe my friends missed me as much as I missed them if some were willing to give up their time like that. I still feel miserable for having to leave behind the outdoor kitties I had adopted in Nokomis. I worry for them all and hope the neighbors who assured me they would feed them are able to do so. Those poor kitties were abandoned before me and now I feel no better than those people who did that. I hope the kitties can forgive me for that. We found a great home in a great neighborhood with lots of kids around and close to what we need, but not too close. When the time comes for Macy to start school, we can simply walk down the sidewalk to the elementary school which is awesome! For that matter, if we stay here long enough, the middle and high schools are walking distance. I would like to think we will one day be able to buy another home, one we intend to stay in and can afford. This is a nice area to live in and likely we would look in the same neighborhood. I think keeping some distance between me and shopping is a GOOD idea so here is smart. I had not given much thought to the differences in Nokomis/Sarasota/Venice,we'll call it "there", and Newberry/Chiefland/Gainesville which we'll call "here". There, I had a Publix and CVS in walking distance which was great. Here, It is a 7 mile drive to those. There I had Bealls Outlet stores, Babies R Us, 2 Target stores and a Super Target, more Wal Marts than anyone needs- all were Super Wal Marts in fact - a nice TJ Maxx/HomeGoods, a nice Big Lots and multiple gas stations. Here, one each Wal Mart (not super), Target, Bealls Outlet, TJ Maxx (which sucks) and gas station...unless I wish to drive more than 20 miles. Wow. Driving that far there would put me in the middle of a whole new set of mulitple stores. Oh, and a nice mall there that was 1/2 mile from one of the Target and the BRU stores. The mall here...well...is less than inspiring. I do like that it has a Traffic, even though I have no need to buy those shoes, I love that they have them and at prices I can deal with. The Macy's here is getting better. The Toys R Us is not so hot but its all we have. I am so thrilled to get to spend time with my friends now. Even those who have a short drive up here, they still do it and we get to hang out. I have had 2 pedicures since moving home- that is a record for me! Yes, a luxury but oh what a wonderful thing. Went to 2 Moms Night Out events, those were fun. Nice to get out with the girls and relax. Hubby and I finally went out too! Once for our anniversary, to an old haunt, on New Year's Eve. The name on the sign changed, but that is all. Saw some old friends there too. We also went out to watch the Sugar Bowl, which was the best damned Gator game I think we watched all year. Such fun to get out there, but yes it was kind of budget killing. We will survive, always do. I did a LOT of baking (for me) over the holidays, and some good cooking too. Now it is time to get my butt moving and remove a few hundred cookies from it. I do love the cooking, just wish someone would eat it besides me. I actually made some burnt cookies for a very special old friend - yes he requested BURNT cookies. Can't even tell you how hard it was for me to burn cookies. What can I say, I love my friends and will do most anything for them. Now its time for me to get back to being me. I know, this was not my usual sarcastic commentary on the everyday but I had to say all of this. I will get back on track, promise! Know that I love each of you guys who read this, you keep me hopeful that maybe one day I will write something amazing. You can say you knew me when. Maybe I will burn some cookies for you too.

I owe my sole to Dr Scholl

Okay, almost at the two week mark and I have hit another roadblock...well, speed bump. Again with the blisters! This time my entire pinky toe is encompassed by 2 blisters and the other foot has a big one just where my toes are hooked onto my foot. OW! Being the internet junkie I am, I decided to go online and see how to treat and then prevent further blisters from happening. If you have researched anything online, you know this was an exercise in futility - hey, wait....can I count that as part of my daily exercise?? Anyway, in one site I was told that I ought to use something called "Runner's Lube" which I admit to giggling about. The pretense for this product was to prevent friction which is how blisters are formed -by the friction of sock, shoe and skin. Okay, maybe this is true, sounds like it was well thought out anyway. Then the very next paragraph says to use 'cornstarch or a powder containing cornstarch' to keep the foot dry as moisture contributes to the forming of blisters. So....which is it? Lube it up or dry it out?? I was so confused. Another suggestion was to get better socks. I only have very thin, well worn socks because since I moved to the beach, I rarely wear them. I thought the sock theory was reasonable, and I knew the Band Aids made for blisters were awesome, so I went to Wal-Mart to get new of both. They did not have the band aids (Publix came through for me again) but they had so many choices of socks, I was lost. There were thick, thin, no-show, over the calf - good lord when did socks get so hi-tech? Some said to wear only 100% cotton, natural is best. Others said to get a "wicking" fabric to keep feet dry - assuming this would not also wick away the foot lube if you used that. I did find foot lube there. I read the ingredients which were largely vegetable oil, petroleum jelly and something I assume to keep it in stick form. Great, Crisco for my feet. So there I am, with at least 16 varieties of socks to choose from and no idea what I actually needed. I picked out some 'no-show' socks that claim to be cushioned, wick moisture away, offer arch support and to stay crunchy in milk. No wait, maybe that was something else...anyway... I saw many labels for an "active" lifestyle. Truth be told, my lifestyle is far from what I would call 'active' even with the 2 kidlets to chase after. All I was looking for was something to prevent blisters when I went walking. Then, there was a flash of bright yellow....and I saw them. Socks made by Dr Scholl's - who have long been in the business of foot stuff. Right there on the package were the words I longed to read....Blister Guard. Well, BOGO would have been good too, but blister guard made me quite happy. Armed with now a good $28.50 worth of socks, I proceed to check out, feeling optimistic about my future walking. Too bad the next morning my feet/blisters were so sore from my schlepping all over Wal Mart that I could barely walk to the bathroom, nevermind further. So yes, I skipped the walk. Thought about it that evening, but decided against it - GASP!! Okay, surely one day will not undo much in the way of progress. HA! I got up this morning, a bit reluctantly, and suited up, including my new socks with Blister Guard, and hit the trail. I pretty quickly figured out that missing the one day, plus eating chips and a candy bar during that day, had indeed done damage. Normally I would walk for a full hour, sometimes as much as an hour and 15 minutes. Today, it was just 45 minutes. I was winded within 10 minutes; lightheaded right after that and felt like throwing up at least 3 times during the walk. My legs screamed at me to go home, I was sweating from my eyebrows and now my back was hurting. How the hell does walking make your back hurt? Anyway, I caved and came home at the 45 minute mark. I feel like I let myself down, but I also had no desire to heave chunks on the sidewalk in front of the morning commuters. Notice I did not mention any issues with my feet including any new blisters. Those socks lived up to their claims!! I am so happy!! Of course I still have the ones I had before I bought them, they are not magic after all. I have no new ones tho and I even went without any band aid on the pinky toe blisters and they felt fine!! With all of this you may be wondering why I have not been doing cartwheels up and down the hallway. As excited as I am to have found a way to walk without making my feet fall off, I am still a bit let down. I have weighed twice since I started this venture on May 30th, and I have lost less than a pound in total. I did see a 1.5lb drop the first time, but the second time 1lb was back. I know, slow weight loss is the best, but jeez! I was hoping with this level of commitment and in light of the sheer miracle of me continuing PLUS finding the perfect socks, maybe I would be rewarded with a 5-6lb loss. I do feel better when I walk. I can walk the route faster now and with less heavy breathing. I kinda sorta feel like my pants may be less constricting. Oh well, there is always next week for those results.

You can do it!!!

So I set out to do some self improvement. I had the plan, I had the support (thanks to you guys), I had the means and even the time.... now its up to me. Guess what? After a brief slip up, I AM DOING IT!! I have been getting up at 6:30am to go for a brisk walk for 40-45 minutes every morning. In the past 2 days I have had only 2.5 cans of soda, but to be fair this is far less than a typical day AND it is that lovely week of the month that all women deal with so I caved. I have been taking my vitamins and the OTC 'belly fat buster' like I am supposed to. I have been eating smaller portions and make sure I have a good variety of foods that are also good for me. Know what? I feel SO much better, and its only been 5 days! I actually didn't walk yesterday, due to the aforementioned "female" issues, but by George I got my butt up this morning and went right back out there. This is not to say there haven't been some obstacles to overcome, lest you think this sounds like some day at the beach easy-peasy thing I am doing - think again! First thing I had to surmount, I did not own tennis shoes. I know, it's weird. I have lived in flip-flops, Crocs or gone barefoot for about 5 years now, and tennis shoes were just not part of my life. I did buy a pair when I was given a treadmill - more on that later - but they were ill fitting and about killed me the first day so they are now in the box to go to Goodwill. I am still not sure why I cannot do this walk in my Crocs but I didn't want to go out there and break every rule right out of the gate, so we will see about that. Dutifully I went to Wal-Mart to look for tennis shoes because I cannot afford to go and get name brand shoes designed for walking. This raises a question...aren't pretty much ALL shoes going to be walked in? I don't quite get the need for specific shoes for walking, court, cross training and running but it seems to me like a way for the shoe companies to make a killing. What if you have to walk across a court, thru a grassy, slightly hilly area to get to the track or course you want to run? Do you have to carry a knapsack with 4 pairs of shoes and change at each change in definition of turf? Anyway, I have long been a fan of the "$5 disposable" little white tennis shoes (which are not specifically for anything, least of all tennis) that Wal Mart has sold forever. Until now. They had them, sure, but starting at size 8 1/2 and going up to 12W. There were also a slightly different style in a few colors, which I am not a fan of, but gave them a shot just the same. Again I can find only sizes 8 1/2 to 12. Now I think its wonderful that people with the need for these sizes can just walk right in and get a pair of "$5 disposable" tennis shoes - oh, and now they are $8, but I would also like to enjoy this same ability only I am a size 7 so for now, I am out of luck. I decided to check out the 'boxed' tennis shoes despite knowing they can go for 3-5 times as much per pair, but I am determined. Do you know that every pair of size 7s I found were in black? I am not a fan of black tennis shoes, I don't know why but they just don't quite 'do it' for me. Finally I settle on some shoes declaring they were for 'court' activities so perhaps if I am punished for this breech of etiquette I will be allowed to wear them to go before the judge and explain my situation. They were only $11, still more than twice what I was prepared to pay, but at least the right size and color. So now I have tennis/court shoes which I will wear to go walking. Shhh. Then I bought a new bottle of the 'belly fat burner' supplement. I do wonder how this is supposed to work, how it knows belly fat from butt fat although I will not be upset if it works on both to be sure. I get this home and discover part of the secret the next morning when I go to take them. The bottle is in a box which has a tiny strip of what I assumed to be a tape like material over the flap edge. Turns out the clear strip is apparently made from the same material used to build Wonder Woman's invisible jet because it cannot be ripped or cut with a thumbnail. Keep in mind it is 6:30am and I am trying to not wake up the kids so there was no chance of me getting the scissors from the medicine cabinet. So far every time I have gotten those scissors out for anything, there are at least 4 other things that fall out of the cabinet and directly onto the little metal bin holding the hair brushes, and then knocking it onto the floor which is loud enough to wake people 2 streets over, except for Lon who sleeps thru everything. So I decided to just tear the box flaps, not realizing that a glossy laminate coating on the box would turn it into a razor sharp instrument of torture capable of rendering a paper cut like wound but about 10x as wide. Finally I get the damn bottle out of the box - its now 6:55am but I can finally take the supplement and get on with my walk. There is more clear plastic wrapped around the top of the bottle...joy. Wait! There is a perforated section! Yay - a shortcut into the next line of defense. If it had actually come apart more than 1/3 of the way down the perforated area, I am sure it would have been the perfect protective seal. Now I am left picking at clear plastic on a white bottle in semi darkness - again, trying not to wake the house - and after only a couple of small bits came off, I did manage to get enough off to open the top. To find a paper/plastic/foil membrane. By now I am fairly aggravated, I am losing precious time for my walk and I am on obstacle #3 just to get the 'belly fat burner' that also promises to help calm and stabilize ones stress level. I think I know why they added that benefit - getting the bottle open is enough to put one into full blown stress meltdown. I manage to get thru this seal, tearing it into about 5 pieces before fully removing it but it was gone and now I can get to the capsules. Looking into the now open bottle, I see what appears to be a bale of cotton. Okay, I can do this, cotton is soft and nice and will soak up a good bit of the blood still seeping from the cut dealt by the box top. I grab the cotton and pull, expecting to see a full piece of white fluffiness. I had maybe 10 threads. This is how the entire wad of cotton came out, about 10 threads at a time. *sigh* Amazingly, I did get to my walk. Since the first day was in ill fitting shoes I had a couple of blisters to deal with. I am not entirely sure why I got just as many blisters the next day with proper fitting shoes. I think my feet were rebelling against being shoved back into socks and closed up shoes. I honestly felt like I had forgotten how to walk in that type of shoe, kept scuffing the sole on the sidewalk and tripping over nothing. Plus the pain from blisters was no help. I did have a friend tell me about a type of Band-Aid made especially for finger and toe blisters. I went to look for them in Publix, sure enough they sell them. They were $4 for a box of 8!! Band-Aids are like $1 for a whole box of various sizes and they want $4 for these 8 blister Band-Aids?? Let me just say, worth every penny. Instant relief and they stay on for several days, even thru showers. So me and my Band-Aid wrapped blister covered toes were much happier. I had decided I wanted to walk thru a gated community about a block north of my road, and for the first day I was able to. Gates were open, and even though I am willing to ask the gate guard if its ok, there was no one there so I just went in. Such a pretty walk! Nice lawns, pretty flowers, quiet and no zipping traffic. Views of the water, occasional bunnies hopping thru. No wonder I prefer this to walking the sidewalk along 41 and all the traffic noise and issues there! However it was hot at 7am so I bumped my walk time up to 6:30 and they do not open the gates until 7, so I am forced to walk the sidewalk along the highway and just keep an eye on the traffic. I don't know how far I am walking, I usually just measure by the time. For the first 2 days, the walk was 40-45 minutes round trip. The third day was longer, but that included a stop into CVS for some supplies (recall the "female" issues) so I am guessing it was about as long since it was the same distance pretty much. Then today, I made the same walk as before and when I got home, not only was I not nearly as tired or breathing as heavy as the first few times, but it only took me 30 minutes!! Progress!! I did weigh in on the day of the first walk, but I am not going to weigh again until the weekend. Once a week is plenty for that kind of humility, seeing that I weigh at Publix right out where everyone can see! Still, I feel pretty good and proud of myself for sticking with it! This may even turn me into a morning person - EEEEKK!!