Freak Show in the Frozen Foods

You know, I am as easy going and laid back casual as any other Mom of 3 (yes, I count the hubby) who is about to lose her house due to a significant cut in income and having to figure out where when and how to move while trying to pay bills, catch up what has gotten behind and then has her desktop - nay, her very lifeline to the outside world and all that it offers - crash and die right in front of her....but all that aside I am pretty evenly keeled most days. Tonight kinda pushed my buttons a bit, although I did manage to paste on a fake smile and entertain for the crowds without ripping each of them a new ass. So there I was, in Publix for the weekly grocery run. I like to go at night when Daddy is home and the kids can bounce off him for a while, and yes I do sometimes take my sweet time but whats your point? I was just getting the last things on my list from the frozen foods section when a couple walked up to the door a couple down from where I was immersed from the waist up because apparently no one re-stocks the Kid Cuisines my daughter MUST have until they are completely gone so I had to climb in the cooler to get them. I hear them murmuring to each other and can see them pointing at my cart. I back out of the cooler, target in hand, and they continued to look at my cart, then at me, then back to my cart as they scurried away like the cowards they must surely be. Of course now I am wondering so I looked at the cart, then at myself, saw nothing unusual so I shrugged it off. Enter lucky couple #2. They actually walk right up to my cart as I am now searching for the blueberry muffin tops frantically (they moved them - again!) and this time I can clearly hear the conversation they have. "Oh my lord, would you LOOK at that cart!" from the lady, well the female one of the two. Followed by "Whoa! That is incredible, honey did you get a load of this cart going on here?" from the male counterpart who clearly is an idiot as she has just said she can clearly see it. Then I get "Wow, that is quite a lot you have shoved in there" and "Just how many people are you buying for?" in rapid sequence. To my credit I did not flog either of them with the box of frozen mini pancakes now in my hand. To my dismay, I smiled sheepishly and AGREED with the morons. "Yeah, this is quite a haul. Wonder if the wheels will still turn?" and just walked away. Cue the bagboy. I have confirmed that plastic will be fine, thank you for asking, and am trying to unload in the OCD manner I prefer. All frozen together and first, followed by produce, then all meats together, dairy is next (refrigerated stuff) and last are the canned and dry goods with bread, eggs and chips bringing up the rear. I did have a big 18lb bag of cat food that I ran across the scanner while the cashier was trying to get something else to scan and taking far too long to do so. The bagboy begins with "Man, you having a party?" I wasn't sure what prompted that comment - the stack of Kid Cuisines or the can of formula - so I just smiled and simply said "Nope, just grocery night" thinking that was the last of it. There was more. I had picked up a box of doughnuts from the bakery, dont need them but then who does. He looks at those and says again, "Oh you are having a party"....what about a dozen doughnuts suggests a party is beyond me, but again, I blew it off with "Oh those are for my hubby to take in to his office" (total lie, they are for home) and he just kept on...gonna need another cart - "why? I got it up here in one cart". That sure is a lot of stuff...."yes, it is a lot but it is for a family of four, for more than a week of some stuff" my only comeback, although I could feel myself getting irritated. We finally get all of my masses of groceries that apparently was enough to cause gawking and thoughtless comments ready to go to my van. I put the box of doughnuts on top of the seat area, where some boxed goods were, so they would not get smashed. I also put on top of the doughnut box a gift bag, tissue paper, a card and curly ribbons I picked up for a sweet little girl's bithday gift that I hope will be on time for her party. I also didn't want those smashed. To his credit, the bagboy did offer to take my groceries to the car, nevermind that it is Publix policy, many of them don't. Here we go, walking to my car and he is still at it "Sure hope you have enough room for all of this" .... dude, I am a Mom, I could pack the whole cart and your dead body in a Miata. Still forcing a smile, I only said "Oh I'm sure it will be fine". Then I hear something odd, turn to look back and the curly ribbons were blowing across the parking lot!! The idiot didn't even notice!! Now I am mad. I said, "Hey! You're letting my stuff fall all over and get ruined!" His only response? "oh, yeah I guess they fell"....really? You guess they fell? What the hell was your first clue - that they were on the damn nasty ground?? So I go chase them down and put them back on top, making sure to tell him to please watch that stuff....and what does Mr Einstein do? Presses his hand down on top of it all - picture the scene....curly ribbons, card, tissue paper, 3D gift bag...being pressed down on rather firmly...oh yes did I mention they were sitting on top of my BOX OF DOUGHNUTS???? Then he sees a Ford Excursion parked near where I was walking and is all "Oh, this blue one is yours? Yeah, you need an SUV that big for your kinda shopping!" I stopped for a second, looked at him with a look that usually halts charging pitbulls and said "No, in fact mine is NOT the blue one. It is the red minivan two spaces down and there is a huge stroller in the back so you will have to be careful" Then I parked the cart against the side of my van and opened the gate so he could put stuff in, but I took the doughnuts and laid them on the front seat so they wouldn't be likely to slide around. I also grabbed all the bags with breads or eggs in them since he was lobbing bags in the cargo area like a friggin firebox tender on a steam train. I did thank him for his help, sadly he wouldn't know sarcasm if it bit him squarely on the ass. When exactly did it beome appropriate to gape and gawk at people's grocery carts, and comment on the stuff they are buying?? The more time I thought about these people and their behavior, the madder I got! They have no business all up in my business about what I buy! I didn't comment on their nasty food choices or how gaunt they looked and it might indeed be due to the lack of red meat and processed foods in their diets. I mean seriously, these were the comments I heard tonight! From people in a grocery store - they were shocked and awed. I wont give you the list of contents verbatim, I could since I keep the receipts but I wont. Here is just an idea: 2 6pks drinkable yogurts; 2pks shredded cheeses; 3 half gals of choc milk; 1 gal reg milk; 4 bottles Juicy Juice (BOGO); 4 boxes Nutri Grain cereal bars (BOGO); 4 packs ground beef; 1 pk chicken wings; 1 gal OJ; some canned goods; pk of sliced cantaloupe, banana bunch and cut up watermelon; some onions, 5lb bag of potatoes and a small head of cabbage; 6 Kid Cuisine dinners (dont judge); a box of mini pancakes and a box of muffin tops; underneath was the cat food, one 12pk soda and cat litter. What about any of that seems excessive for a week to 10 days for a family of 4?? Oh yes, and the box of doughnuts on top. Sheesh, can't a girl shop without being judged and condemned? Maybe I should put a "dontations please" jar on the front of my grocery cart. Oh, maybe Publix should do like Ross and attach big silver poles to their carts and I could pole dance, earn some tips to help cover my obviously ginormous grocery bill. Hey, if they wanna gawk, lets give 'em something to gawk about!

Welcome kits for people moving to Florida I guess if people are going to insist on continuing to move to Florida from other places where they have lived their lives just fine until seeing all the fun we have here, then the least we can do is make them feel welcome. In this line of thinking, I have come up with a “Welcome to Florida” kit that should make the transition a bit easier. Each kit will contain the basic items, plus we can customize it with a few extras as they apply. BASIC KIT: Welder’s mask. These people have no idea how strong the sun is here in Florida, but this should help them until they can build up the calluses on their eyes that are needed to survive. Plus this will protect them from the repeated smacks to the head they will surely be dealt for coming here and trying to tell us how wonderful life was back in wherever they came from and how things were done better/faster/bigger there. If it was so damned wonderful, why are you here? List of Dermatologists: They will become your best friend, especially when you don’t heed the warnings about the sun and start having “spots” show up on you in places maybe the sun hasn’t even seen. Plus this way we won’t have to be sitting down to eat while you discuss your various skin disorders and how they ooze, bleed and turn colors. Loudly. Turn Signal Replacement Bulb: There will only be one, it’s all you will use anyway. Given that turn signal bulbs are made in the same fashion as other light bulbs, they have a use limit before they will simply ‘blow’ and stop working. All vehicles come with a working set, at least 4 bulbs installed at the outer corners of your vehicle. At some point, they will begin to give out and when the first one happens, you will change the bulb. Then you will notice how many times people make turns or lane changes without benefit of using the signal. At first, you will be outraged, make a fuss and maybe a gesture. Then slowly, it will start to seem like a good idea. Why use up the short life of your turn signal so quickly? What if you only used it every-other time you needed to – this will double the life span of the bulb! Once you have accepted this as a good idea, your penny pinching early bird eating self will decide that if you only use it on the 3rd Tuesday of the month, and only then if its foggy that morning (no matter what time of day you drive)…suddenly this bulb is lasting for years longer than it was supposed to. Next thing you know, you have gone into full blown “Save the Bulbs” mode and you just no longer use the damn things at all. See? One is all you will need. You are allowed to donate your bulb to your buddy who takes the opposite approach and leaves his signal on for 90% of his driving life. List of Endangered Species to watch for: We have a few species here that are in danger of being wiped out completely. It is a good idea to know which ones to keep a look out for because if you are found doing harm upon, feeding stuff to or aiming your car at in an attempt to see how fast they really are, you could be arrested, fined large sums of money or at least frowned at forcefully. Let’s review some of them. Sandhill Cranes: pretty birds, smaller than an Emu, bright red feathers on their heads. Very tight with the mates and keep the chicks (little cranes, not girls) close. They can be seen in a variety of parking lots, along side busy highways and streets and on golf courses. I think some of the areas in which they ‘hang out’ may be directly contributing to the decline in their numbers. They don’t really get out of the way of cars, more so they look at them in wonder as they come REALLY close. Gopher Tortoises: Look a lot like turtles but they live on dry land. They do like water and tend to cross roads and highways to get to a body of water. As they are tortoises they do this really slowly and likely this is not good for keeping a lot of them alive. It is okay to stop in the road (check for traffic first), hit your flashers and remove the tortoise to the side of the road safely. If you do this, don’t hold it up near your body – it will pee on you. I think the rapid mobility scares them. Florida Panthers and Bobcats: They are really pretty and really fast so you likely won’t get to see many. Plus they get killed a lot. Given the speed of these cats, for them to get hit by a car means the car was going WAY too fast in the first place, but no one seems to get that connection. Drive the speed limit, watch for wildlife. Not hard. They were here first and they should have right of way. If you do see one in your yard, DON’T try to pet it. They are beautiful but will attack. If one is between you and your house, go ahead and find other accommodations. At least for the night. Actual Florida Natives: We are easy to spot. We are everything you want to be; only we don’t have to work at it. Don’t approach too fast, think before you speak to one and remember we were here first. Sad to say, but our numbers are indeed dwindling. Relaxation tools: I don’t want to get into trouble by insisting that newcomers be injected with narcotics. They will have ample opportunity to sample them on their own later. I do think if the following items are used properly, it just might help them adjust. Do be careful that you don’t OD on this, the combination is addicting. A “Hawaiian” shirt. Yes, you are moving into Florida and yet the welcome kit has a “Hawaiian” shirt. If it makes you feel better, call it an “island style” shirt. Hard to be a jerk in a loudly colored flowing shirt that likely has flowers, parrots and tropical drinks all over it. A seashell and/or shark tooth necklace. Its hard to be stressed with these things around your neck, no one would take you seriously anyway. A bottle of “Hawaiian Tropic” suntan lotion. Not sunscreen, not oil, just the old standard. When you smell this stuff for more than 10 minutes a day, you can’t be anything but relaxed. By the way, it might say “Hawaiian Tropic” but it is made in Florida. A Jimmy Buffet CD. My personal choice would be what I refer to as “the yellow album” because the entire jacket is yellow and has red letters on it but I forget the title. It might be Margaritaville, it might be a ‘greatest hits’ album. Does not matter. If you listen to Jimmy, you will find yourself loving island life before you know what it even is. Flip flops. Get over your loafers and workboots, these are the shoe of choice in Florida. They are not comfortable until you break them in so quit bitching about how they hurt between your toes and give it a day or two. DO NOT wear socks with Flip Flops unless you just want your ass kicked. Cold beer or frozen drink. As they say, “It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere. Just go with it. Go to a hole in the wall bar in midday. Sip your drink outside on the deck. Go to a Tiki Bar – any Tiki Bar – and take it all in. Extras: What the hell else could you need? You just got a kick ass welcome kit that will have you fitting in and feeling good in no time. You need more? Wal-Mart is open 24 hours a day, go get it your damn self. I am gonna sit right here in my Hawaiian shirt, reeking of coconut scented lotion with my flip flops on the floor under my crossed ankles up on the railing around the Tiki Bar and drink my frosty beverage while singing with Jimmy. I aint moving.

No Thanks in Thanksgiving for me!

Where is Norman Rockwell when you need him? For reasons I am not entirely sure of now, I decided to drive to be with the family for Thanksgiving and I did it on the Wednesday before. Yeah, the heaviest travel day of the year and I think its a good idea to load myself, the kids and 2/3 of our house (required items when traveling with small kids) into the MomVan and head out, leaving hubby to follow later with all the stuff he had to bring - long story, doesn't matter here. My plan was to have everything packed Tuesday night so we could just load and go on Wednesday as soon as I ran a few last minute errands. Yeah, that was a great plan. Didn't happen, but it was a great plan. I ran around like a mad woman, did the errands, grabbed lunch for the kids and parked them in front of the TV, yes the horrible TV, and went about packing, prepping, cleaning and loading. Next thing I know, it is 2pm and I am still at home!! I planned to be in Gainesville by 3 -guess I will be late but I know I make the drive in about 2.5 hours so still not a big deal. Yeah. Well, almost 5 hours later, we get off I75 in Gainesville, having sat completely still and crawling along for much of the southern part of the trip. The DVD player went loopy on us just south of Wildwood which was SO helpful. I did find out that I can make a bottle while driving and I don't mean pull one out of the diaper bag. I did that too, but the trip was so long that Zane needed another one so I had to reach back and find the now empty bottle, some bottled water, the can of formula powder and mix it. I did it, no traffic issues to report. So I get to Gainesville, call the family to say I am in town finally and should I pick up anything to add to dinner as we will be there shortly. Dinner? Oh they ate already. I should just get whatever we will need during our stay as they are all on diets and don't buy carbs, sugars, etc. I am looking in the rearview at 2 kids who eat pancakes, chicken nuggets, PB&Js and muffin tops and drink Juice or OJ. Lets not forget the required chocolate milk. So I hit Publix, end up having to do a basic grocery run for our 4 night visit that had I known in advance, I could have brought plenty from home for. There goes $96 from our budget for that visit. My Mom did come meet me to help with the kids in the store plus I had absolutely no room for groceries at all so she drove ahead of us to my Aunt and Uncle's place where we were staying. I pull in a bit behind Mom, she does drive a bit fast plus her car was not weighed down like mine. I get the kids out of the carseats, Zane is soaked now and SO ready to get out of the car as are we all. I have him in one arm, the 30 pound diaper bag on the other shoulder and Macy on that arm, no way to open doors or anything. Walk in the back door, my Aunt and Uncle are sitting there, watching TV. I come in with "Hey, we made it!" No response, no one gets up, no one offers any help....so I put Macy down before my arm just gives up and I drop her, head down the hall to the guest rooms and said "Sorry to be rude but he has to be changed really badly and I have a ton of stuff to unload as well"..... no greeting, no offer to help still, nothing. I am getting a bit pissed, but I have 2 crying kids now and they need dinner. I go back out for another load, still holding Zane as he will not let me put him down. Macy is hiding in the bedroom. I asked my Aunt if I could please get her to fix a Kid Cuisine for each of them while I keep unloading. She seemed a bit put out but did it. Finally get the kids at the table, no help putting groceries away, nothing. Still no one has said 'Hi, nice to see you guys, how was your drive, kiss my ass' nothing. By now I have put the groceries away, both kids have eaten all they will and both are crying because we are in an unfamiliar place and they sense my mounting anger. I am fairly sure the blind and deaf guy across town could sense it too. I walk back to the guest rooms to try and set up sleeping gear so that will be out of the way. My Aunt comes back with, "Are you guys planning to use both rooms or will M be able to use his old room?" (he rode up with Lon) Lets see, 4 people in one room with a play yard, an airbed and a double bed, plus suitcases. Sure, no problem. I decide to assert myself a bit and said "Well you did say that M could use the office with an airbed so the kids could have a room to themselves, so that is my plan" and I went about setting it up that way. I start assembling the pack-n-play....discover it reeks of gasoline, which was spilled in the shed and is why I keep asking for the gas powered stuff and extra cans to be stored elsewhere, AND is heavily mildewed which brings to mind the open windows to air out the gas fumes that were allowed to remain open during a rain storm. I did my best to wipe it down and proceeded to make up Zane's bedding in it but as soon as I sat him down, just to give me some free hands time to settle the rest of the stuff, he began screaming like he was on fire. I knew there was no actual gas and he was on a mattress covered with a sheet and a waterproof pad was under all that but the smell was likely making him freak. Then Daddy calls, "hey, just got off I75" and my exact words were "I don't give a damn if you get a $5k speeding ticket just get your ass here" which clued him a bit. To his credit, he did get there in less than 20 minutes and walked in to find me pacing the room in tears with all suitcases piled on the bed and my first in-person words to him were "we are going to a hotel NOW". Fortunately he had a calmer head and he got Zane and Macy to settle down and asked me what I wanted to do about the pack n play. It was 20 til 10pm and K-Mart was open until 10 if we needed to go get a new one but we wouldn't use it hardly ever again so maybe there was a way to fix the old one. He went and laid on the big bed with Zane, got him to sleep. Macy was happier now that Daddy was there so she hopped on the big bed in their room. Oh yes, knowing we were coming and knowing we let the kids watch TV to go to sleep, the TV in that room had been disconnected and no one bothered to hook it back up before we got there so there was a hulabaloo about that when I asked if it was okay to use, as we have always done. My Aunt went thru great exasperating sighs and grunts and then YELLED to the other end of the house for my Uncle to come connect it back. Oh, and prior to Daddy getting there, I did get Zane quiet in the pack n play but he was not lying down, rather peeking over the edge at the doorway across the hall where I was getting Macy changed for bed. My Aunt walks down the hall, goes to the door of the room where he is, shoves her head in his line of sight and shouts BOO! Great for soothing kids. I could have strangled her. I did remember to bring the kids' blankets and sleep toys from home so that helped some. At least I am telling myself it did. I also remembered my Xanax and that did help some too. Ah, home for the holidays. Sometimes I forget why we moved away, then it all comes back to me in great rushing clarity.

Credit cards must die - or at least the people who work for the banks that issue them

Okay, I know there will be people who will say this situation is my fault and I should just own that and be responsbile - and all of you are cordially invited to kiss my arse because if you bother to read the whole thing, you will see the issue is NOT my responsibility at all. If you still disagree, great, write your own blog about it - this is my space to rant! Lets go all the way back to the 30th of October when our WaMu payment was due. For various reasons, mainly due to the current economy, we simply didn't have enough money to go around and the bill went unpaid. Roll forward to last Thursday, Nov 6th. We got the first call from WaMu advising me that the bill was past due, and thanks to additional fees and such now it was over the limit as well. Nice. I told the gentleman who claims his name was Steve but his hindu accent was so thick I could barely understand him, I said we would be paying them via ETF on next Wednesday, the 12th. I even gave him a minimum payment amount and asked if the account could please be noted since we were late. I owned that we didn't pay on time and it was now costing us thru the nose but we were going to pay them on the 12th and thank you for calling to let me know, have a good day. This was about 8:45am when he called. Between that time and 9pm that night, we got 7 more calls from Wa Mu. SEVEN MORE in about 12 hours, after I had given the info to "Steve" and thought all was well. Friday comes, we got 9 calls from them between 8am and 9pm. Woke Zane up with the last call - thank you very much. I told the 3rd caller (first two came in before I got out of bed) the exact plan I had told "Steve" 24 hours earlier, but in a less friendly tone. Still cordial, but terse. Saturday... seven more calls - three of them DURING the Gator game which was an 8pm game so it was kinda late if you ask me. I told the mid-day caller the exact same plan as I told "Steve" 48 hours previous and "Tom" 24 hours earlier, which had not changed other than in my tone of voice. Well, maybe a few words were now different but as none of them speak English well enough to understand, no worries. Sunday....day of rest, beautiful day. Six calls this day and one was answered with the same plan again detailed in loud, small and some very nasty words for "Sheila" to put on my account. I asked for a supervisor but she refused to transfer me so I questioned her parentage a bit, added some colorful animal parts references and eventually hung up on her. Monday now. Any guesses on the number? Nine. Nine calls that I heard - I did put the phone in a drawer for a bit and our caller ID doesn't stack them up, just writes over the repeated numbers. I did answer three of them. Not nicely, didn't care to be nice at this point. I am trying to work, take care of the kids and these ......people..... are calling me more than once per hour on average now. I called in to the "customer service" number off our statement, demanded to talk to a person whose FIRST language was English and was refused multiple times. I took a few minutes to gather my thoughts, tried to be nice and repeated my plan, now under 48 hours until payment will post mind you, and thought just maybe I had gotten thru with "Vida" which may or may not be her given name. They called 3 more times after the 45 minutes she and I were on the phone mind you but I let it go to voicemail....somehow. One of those times hubby answered and told them if they called us once more we would not pay them and if they think we are kidding then just try me! Now we're up to Tuesday, November 11. Anyone who knows me also knows that I have issues with the number 11 11 and hey, today's date is just that. Too bad they didn't know about that, might have saved them a lot of time and a lot of hearing me speak loudly in small but colorful words without letting them speak but demanding to be put thru to a supervisor. The calls began at 8:20am. I was awake but wasn't out of bed for the first one, but when I got out of the shower at 8:30, the phone was ringing. Guess who!? I didn't answer it as the kids were waking up and they are far more important. I get them settled with morning drinks/foods/TV (yeah I said it, TV) and at 8:45 the phone rang again. It was them. That is three calls in 25 minutes, while I am trying to have time with my kids. That did it. I snatched the phone up - see and there is a problem with cordless phones, you can't snatch them up or slam them down with any authority - and simply said "WHAT?" To this "Bill" replies with "Is this Michelle?" like he is my best friend or something. I ask, "who did you call?"....silence...."Is this Michelle Vance?" Again, phone getting quite cold with the tone of my voice, "who did you call?" He then proceeds to try and get assertive which was a fatal error and he needs to thank God (or whomever) that I really can't reach thru a phone and kill someone and I ended up shouting to put me thru to a supervisor NOW or hang the $%^& up and stop calling me or I will hunt you down and kill you, your family and your friends. I was a bit miffed you see. I pressed the 'off' button on my handset with much too much force - the best you can do with cordless when you want to slam down the receiver. Then I called WaMu's "customer service" number and went thru all of the BS again, for the fifth time in five days if you're keeping count. Got thru to "Vida" again, she says she cannot help me but will transfer me - actually hung up on me. Called right back, got thru to "Roberta". Sounds like an English speaking person, we talk, me much louder and emphatically. She assures me she is noting our account right now, the calls will stop so long as our payment is made on the 12th as promised. She says she blocked any further calls thru the 14th to allow time for processing the payment. Anyone care to guess what happened 90 minutes later? Yep! Another call from WaMu. I let it go to voicemail while I gathered my notes from all the calls and I called back in. Spoke with Nicole and Lori this time. Mind you I was on hold for more than 10 minutes for this to happen, but still. Between Nicole and Lori I was on hold and my call waiting beeped. GUESS WHO?!?!?! I mean, really. I am on the $%%^&^#^%& phone for the umpteenth time with these jerks, trying to get ONE of them to do their damn job and I look at the caller ID on the handset while on hold for this process and damned if they weren't calling me AGAIN!!!!! I told Lori this and asked her to please note that if I got ONE more call from them, they would not get one penny from my pocket EVER. Turn me over to collections I do not care but if you call me again I will become your worst nightmare and you not only will not get paid, your employees will be harrassed constantly because I work from home, have a cable modem and a redialer program on the VOIP line and I am not afraid to use it. I explained that a credit card is unsecured debt and if they would like to get the funds, they will leave me the hell alone and we will pay them as we have always paid them save for this one time. Oh yeah, did I mention this whole ordeal is because we are (now) 7 days late on a $62 payment for the FIRST time ever? Credit cards are a necessary evil but they are indeed EVIL. Our WaMu card will be mailed to them in many many tiny pieces with a scathing letter and I don't care that it will make no difference to them, at least I got it out of my system. I may just not pay them anyway now. It's the principle now. I did point out that their own company had to be bought out or go out of business so surely they understand not paying a bill on time once.....likely more. They didn't care for that comment nor did they have an answer for it.

That's It. I'm Done....

Okay so today was supposed to be one where I got up, did my Friday morning errands, a bit earlier than usual and without the kids, and came home to finish getting ready to leave for a weekend trip to see the BFF and family. Given that it is 2pm and I am online, you can guess that isn't how things worked out. I did my part, stayed up until 2am and got up at 6:30am to finish my work (my fault I was off schedule and it wasn't done) and then off to the bank, quick trip to grab a few things for the weekend visit and that is what I did. Before I left, I woke up the hubby, said can you please get up (9am now) and tend to the kids and start getting ready to go so I can get out of here now and back home faster. He agreed. I go about my business, knowing that I need this weekend away from home so bad that I can barely contain myself at the thought of hitting the road. Kids were even excited, well the 3 year old was. Called home 3 times to say I was at this point in my list, do I need anything else; again to say I decided to just hit Publix and whatever else we need we will get there as I was told there are both Target and Wal Mart nearby; third call to say turn on the oven, I am en route with brunch (pizza as requested) and we can get loading up while it cooks. I get home......not one single thing has been done. Well, the 14 mo old had breakfast. No bags packed, nothing cleaned up. Nothing. I left a very specific list for each child's needs to be packed, brought in from the shed the things that we needed to take -included them on the lists - and put suitcases in our bedroom to be packed for us. Didn't leave a list for his suitcase, he is old enough to know how and what he needs to pack. Not ONE item. Left a final 'to-do' list showing bathroom needs cleaning, empty trash, scoop cat boxes, etc and not one thing was done from that list either. I figured surely he at least packed his own bag. I was wrong. I decided that if the acceptable way to do things is to sit on my ass and let them be done for me then by God that is what I am going to start doing. I can't take this level of stress where I have to do/think/act and plan for every simple task for the entire family so I am just going to sit on my ass, like he does, and see what happens. We may get overtaken by dirty laundry and no one will likely eat a decent meal. I am not paying the bills, doing the budget - none of it. I will make sure the kids are taken care of, not to worry, but they are where I draw the line. If it is okay to be so damned inconsiderate of everyone else in the house, that's what I will do. I would prefer to have a clean, well run house with responsibilities taken and shared but I am so worn out from being the only one to do so. That's it. I'm done.....

Passing on Traditions or Forcing Them?

We have reached an impasse and I am not sure if it is the big deal that some others are making it out to be. I have been discussing Halloween with Macy for a month or so, trying to discover what she wanted to dress up as and explaining the baisc idea of trick-or-treating to her. We dressed her up when she was 5 months old and took her out, not that she had a clue what the deal was but she was adorable. We posed her in many costumes with props and took tons of pics. Last year, we found the cutest witch costume in Cracker Barrel and bought that knowing that with her coloring the costume would just "pop" and she would be beautiful. She was. Notice there are a lot of "we" terms in this? She didn't really have much interest in it either time but went along because WE bought the stuff, dressed her in it and drug her door to door. She never once uttered "Trick-or-Treat", she didn't hold the goody bag and most times she hid her face when the door opened. Even in Publix, where she routinely 'holds court' with all the sweet little old grandmothers and great grandmothers in there who cannot help but stop to say hello, she wouldn't participate and insisted Daddy carry her. So now here is my situation. I asked, prodded, suggested and got out of her that she would be a mermaid this Halloween. I scoured the entire south end of Sarasota county to find a mermaid costume for her. I contemplated a costume intended for a large Dog at one point because I could not find a people one. Then something told me to get to Target and do it fast. I went in and was even distracted by a few shiny objects as I made my way toward the Halloween area, but each time I stopped, I would hear that voice saying to get my butt to the costume area NOW! I walk back there, I find adult sizes, kids sizes, accessories, makeup - no toddler sizes. Okay voice, what was the big rush? They don't even have her size of anything! Keep looking, walk around. Once again I follow the urgent sounding voice in my head and - TA DA!!! I see ONE toddler costume, and it is a mermaid. To be fair, there were actually dozens of costumes, but I only saw the one and I could swear it had an ethereal glow to it. Maybe it was my tired foggy brain, relieved to have found it at the 5th store I stopped in that day. Anyway, I zoom over to it, size 4... she wears 3T but it will do, I have safety pins, needle and thread, duct tape - whatever it takes. No accessories, but I can improvise. I find silver glittery mary janes, perfect! The tail of the costume has silver glitter too - I am ecstatic! Grab and go home, savor the thrill of the hunt and finding exactly what I was looking for. A couple days later, I go get all sorts of sparkly shiny things to attach to the costume, just to make it really stand out. I am so excited about how this is going to look!! Again, notice there is a lot of use of the pronoun "I", not much about Macy. I bring it all home, gather it on the table to begin my masterpiece when I get a call from my Mom. She found the matching crown for the costume!! She is sending it right down! This is going to be the best mermaid costume ever and Macy will be so amazing in it, I can hardly wait. When the crown arrives, I carefully open the box, revealing the treasure inside. How beautiful this will be perched on her red curls!! I lay out all of the pieces, can't wait to show Macy how adorable she will be for Halloween! She comes over to look at it, takes it all in for maybe 5 seconds and says....... I don't want to be a mermaid. I want to be a puppy. Thinking on my feet, I say we don't have a puppy costume but we have this beautiful mermaid costume. Now she claims she doesn't want to be a puppy but a kitty. I said "How about a catfish?" which is going to look remarkably like a mermaid with whiskers of glitter. She agrees to be a catfish. I let it slide, knowing when to walk away from a battle. I find out that the Charlie Brown / Great Pumpkin special is coming on, figure this will be a great chance to pass on a tradition of watching holiday specials. Well, I wasn't allowed to watch them until I was almost in high school, but still. So I tell Macy after dinner, if she will pick up all her toys and put them away then she can get into jammies and come into Mommy and Daddy's room and lie on the big bed with all the pillows and watch a special show! She is hooked right away. She picks up toys like you never saw, gets into jammies so fast the show wasn't quite on! So I make a deal of talking up Halloween, how much fun it is, getting treats and being outside and seeing all the people and homes in full decor. I put aside my work and pile on the bed too, crank on the bigscreen, and here comes The Great Pumpkin. She watched about 8 minutes total and that was largely because I made her sit down and look at the TV. As it was about to go off, I asked her if now she was excited to go trick-or-treating? She said she doesn't want to go at all. I reminded her there will be candy..... chocolate candy, if she goes. Nope, don't wanna go trick or treating. I will just stay home and watch it on TV. Now comes the part where I am flipping a coin. My family tells me that she is getting too mouthy and I need to remember who is Mom and make her do what I say, period. I just don't know if forcing a child to participate in something "extra" like Halloween is really such a smart idea. When I look back over the preparations, it was 99% me and 1% her agreeing with me. Did I do all the searching and planning because I want to be that mermaid out there or did I do it because she should take part, like it or not? I kind of think her not wanting to dress up and go out to ask for treats is really not a big deal. Not like she will be scarred for life if she doesn't go, right? Halloween is 2 days away and I really wish I knew what the 'right' thing to do was.

Going Native, ch 2

Spot the Native Behavior There are things that happen in Florida which will cause many a faint hearted soul to gasp in amazement and flutter something to fan themselves. The ones who do this are not natives. We have seen it all, and yes I am a native, born in Gainesville and never moved out of the state. For that matter I have only even traveled outside these sandy, high priced shorelines for far-to-few vacations and no further north than Illinois, no further west than Texas. South and east treks were the ports of call for cruises – all two of them. I can’t imagine life better than here so why bother leaving? Back to the native behaviors, and amusedly, the non-native ones as well. It is assumed by those living in the middle states and maybe others that all Floridians live and breathe to go to the beach, Disney World and eat oranges picked right off our own trees. Disney is too expensive and when you’ve seen it, you’ve seen it. Fresh oranges and other citrus fruits are good, make great juice and for the first year it was cool to have it right outside your door and to send to people who think all juice comes from the freezer case. Then it becomes a chore to pick up the fruit that falls on the ground so you let it fall, kick it into the neighbor’s yard, and mow over it which does add a nice fragrance to the scent of fresh cut grass. Then that gets old and you just ignore it and let it rot. This takes about 4 days to start and you will know it has begun by the droning of the zillion or so flies that swarm to it. There is also the matter of fruit rats. No one ever told me about fruit rats but I know about them now. They love for you to let fruit rot on the ground, saves them having to climb the tree. They then also love to come into your attic or under your house and make all kinds of noise which causes the cats inside to stare intently at the walls, floor and ceiling making you wonder what they are looking at so you look at it too. Natives who know about the rats and flies and wonders of picking up mushy rotten fruit will not let on to anyone else, it amuses us to see the reactions. Non-natives will simply call a pest removal company. Natives just wait them out, and give seedling fruit trees as gifts. As for the beach, we can take it or leave it. I live less than ½ mile to the beach and I go there maybe twice a year. I know it’s there and sometimes that is all you want, to know its there. When I do go the beach, I see more non-natives than locals. You can spot them. Some could be mistaken for oversized footballs by the look of their skin which has been tanned, much like leather, and some of them are the exact shape as well. The other extreme would be the ladies who go to the beach in full makeup and wearing heels. Why anyone would do this is beyond me. Either you will sweat so much that your “face” will slide right off and scare the hell out of the men you were hoping to attract or you will find that the men are only looking at the girls who don’t have to pile it on with a trowel and can get away with teeny bikinis. I also cannot fathom why anyone would think wearing heels to the beach is a good look. Your shoes will sink down into the sand and either come off every other step or get so filled with sand that you have to stop and empty them constantly. By the time you make it to a prime spot on the sand from the car, the sun has set and now you have to get back to the car before dinner. Personally I can’t walk on the beach any way but barefoot. Sand gets into any type of shoes and makes walking a chore so I just kick them off as soon as I park. Natives will know that the beach is the place to see and not be seen. Suddenly it seems that people, women in particular, want to take tiny little dogs with them everywhere. I don’t like tiny dogs and I don’t much care for people who force me to deal with them in places dogs should never be. I love my pets as much as anyone but I can’t think of a single reason to take them to the grocery store, out to eat, or into clothing stores. I am not terribly fond of taking my kids to these places never mind my pets. Natives do not carry tiny dogs in oversized, overpriced purse-like bags. We may drape a snake around our neck and walk around with that, but not a dog. That’s just silly. Native Floridians don’t own “winter” clothing. We don’t own a lot of clothing for that matter, its hot as hell most of the time and the less you wear, the more comfy you are. We will walk around in bathing suit tops, shorts and flip flops. All the time. If it gets cool, maybe add a t-shirt to that ensemble. For me, if I get invited out to eat and the restaurant doesn’t allow tank tops and/or flip flops, I ain’t goin’. I have dressy versions of these articles of clothing and footwear and so long as I am not kicking off my flip flops and the tank top is not wet, I can see no reason for them to look down on my attire. My Dad wore a pair of cutoff Dickies brown work pants, a cutoff t-shirt and slip on loafers from K-Mart with black socks everywhere he went, year round. He didn’t think men should wear flip flops and wearing loafers without socks was not his thing. He was not native to Florida or he would have known better. This isn’t to say it does not get cold here, it does indeed. Not for very long and not as cold as most other places, but it gets cold enough to make me wear jeans and a light jacket. At least half the day. In north central Florida, where my family lives, we go up for visits and during the winter it is quite cold up there. Frost on the ground, frozen pipes and crank up the heat cold. We don’t visit much during the winter, it’s nicer at home. Natives do not pull off the road to point at and take pictures of wildlife. Alligators in particular, do not interest us. We also know better than to take our tiny dogs out for a walk along the edge of any body of fresh water. The best advice I can give for non-natives about the waters here, always assume any body of fresh water that is deeper than 2 feet will have at least one alligator in it at some point. Also be advised that alligators like tiny dogs, especially ones that smell like the inside of overpriced handbags. Natives will not enter a water hazard to retrieve an errant golf ball. Let’s face it; golf balls are not as expensive as Emergency Room visits or prosthetic limbs. As for the salt water, always assume there are sharks in it. They too like the taste of tiny dogs but will also snack on humans or anything else in their way. This is especially true if you are in the water, wearing a dive suit and swimming far enough from shore that you cannot make out anything clearly and at dawn and dusk which is when they feed. There are many other things in salt water that will bite, sting or generally cause you discomfort if you disturb them. These things get disturbed easily and hold grudges. Natives know how to walk in water doing the “stingray shuffle” to warn of their approach so the stingrays can relocate to avoid being stepped on, which disturbs them. Admittedly it would tick me off something fierce to be stepped on by something as big as a person and if I have only one defense which is to lodge a painful barb into the unsuspecting, if deserving, offender – you can bet I would do it too. Natives do not walk into the water to get a better look when someone says “there is something out there”, we know there are lots of ‘somethings’ out there and we don’t want to be out there with them. Natives do not bring complicated food to the beach. No sandwich fixings, no potato salad, and no make-your-own taco bars. We know food at the beach has to be simple, easy to handle and resistant to sand, or at least not ruined by sand. We’ve all eaten at least a pound of sand in our lives but we can take it. Natives do not pack up to leave the beach and pick up the big blanket or towels and shake them out so a large cloud of flying sand covers everyone and everything within a 5 foot radius. Unless we have been subjected to their incessant nasal twang complaining about the things we hold near and dear as Floridians, then maybe a bit of sand to grate on their nerves – or any other exposed surfaces – is justified. Natives do paint their houses in odd colors and maybe we drink a bit before 5, but hey they say it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere. We do have a tendency to become more laid back the further south you travel in Florida. The people living in Key West are so damned laid back they’re almost horizontal. One visit there has me hooked, can’t wait to go back and soak up more of the “we’ll get to it later, have a drink now” way of life. We heard a sage bit of advice while visiting there: “when you leave a bar in Key West, always take your drink with you, it could be 30 – 35 steps to the next bar” and I think that was a stretch. More like twenty, unless they actually meant from the bar itself to the next physical bar, not door-to-door. I cannot vouch for the legality of this advice, but it made sense to us at the time. I did play tourist there, after all I was on vacation and arrived by cruise ship. It was great fun but the next time, I will go native and sit and laugh at people who are not. Natives get a raw deal on the driving ratings. Many of us are perfectly good to great drivers, but we have to deal with people who ‘ain’t from these parts’ and despite coming here for half of every year for the last 20 years, they apparently forget where everything is resulting in surprise lane changes, stops and turns. I say “surprise” lane changes and turns because they rarely signal for their actual intent. I have driven behind a battleship sized sedan from the 70s where the only evidence of a driver was 8 ghostly white knuckles gripping the steering wheel who had on a left turn signal for more than 15 miles. The only reason I was behind them this long was that I didn’t know if they wanted to change lanes or perhaps that left turn was about to happen any minute now. Didn’t matter, they suddenly slam on brakes coming to a full stop and them make a right turn from the center lane. Apparently the road used to be only 2 lanes and the feed and tack store that sells flour by the 50 pound bag which you can use to sew a fine dress used to be on this corner. Mind you it is now a Wal-Mart strip mall off a 4 lane super highway, but that’s not how they recall it.

Going Native

It’s Not the Heat, but the Humidity I don’t know who coined this phrase but I would like to smack them. Not once have I ever asked, or been asked, “How humid is it there?” by friends or family or sometimes a customer service rep (another chapter for another time) when we’re on terminal hold for resolution of a perfectly stupid issue. I get the question “How HOT is it there?” quite a bit which is a direct link to the measure of heat, not moisture in the air. These folks apparently don’t have access to cable TV or the Weather Channel because at almost any given time there will be someone on some channel carrying on about how great or bad the weather is in Florida, depending on the circumstances. Given that we live near the west coast, we frequently have a nice coastal breeze so it is less warm and sticky than it might be just a short distance away so we are fortunate. The short answer is that we live in Florida and it is almost always warm here. Sometimes it is a pleasant thing; sometimes it is pure out hell. Hey, it’s Florida! If you don’t like the weather, wait ten minutes and it will change! Another phrase I am sick of hearing and it isn’t true. Some days it takes a full 30 minutes for the change to happen. This prediction gets used in many places, not just for Florida weather. It isn’t any more correct in any of the other places either. I used to think it was just the very old and boring who followed and discussed the weather in minute-by-minute updated details but then there was the launch of several weather-only channels available on TV and quite frankly with the recent decline in good programming, those channels are moving up on the favorites list. Those people on the Weather Channel who go to face the bad stuff head on and report back to us who are smart enough to be sitting inside, nice and dry with no chance of being blown away by an errant gust – they are getting rock star status now. One person has the dubious rumor following him that wherever he goes during the early development of a hurricane, that’s where the storm heads. Nothing personal mister weather guy but please don’t come here between June 1 and November 30. That’s “the season”, half of the year we have a pretty decent chance of being hit with a big nasty storm. Yeah, this place is paradise. I suppose the price we have to pay for living in such a nice state is that we have to suffer the ‘season’ and hope that odds are in our favor. By no means are we the only state hard hit but we do have the most exposure for such things. Many people ask us if we’re crazy to live so close to the coast and in an area with high predisposition to getting big huge nasty tempered storms that wipe out major areas with walls of water and winds in excess of 100mph (sometimes). Many of these people live in the Midwest or “tornado alley” as it has been affectionately dubbed. Seems to me they are the ones with questionable judgment. We get a week’s notice – sometimes more – before these storms hit. We know in advance how strong they are and we have a list of preparations and supplies that beaten into our heads, chanted like a ritual prayer and mailed, broadcast and stuffed into shopping bags for days before June 1. We even have a huge “Hurricane Season Kickoff” party and many seminars where you can get more info on how to prepare and survive a storm. Massive events with hundreds of vendors hawking stuff you never knew you needed but by George there it is and there is no way you will be okay without it. Tornadoes give you a 15 minute warning if you’re lucky enough to live near a siren. You do the math. A few things you can count on when a Hurricane is due to hit your area: grocery stores will sell out of water, many canned goods, batteries and ice. Home supply stores will run out of plywood, tarps (we like blue here), gas cans, generators, lanterns, coolers and batteries. If you don’t have approximately 20 gallons of water, a pantry full of canned goods, coolers filled with ice, at least 4 tarps per person, full gas cans and tanks and enough batteries to fill your bathtub – you will be made to feel inadequate. Well, for the first year…maybe two. If you move here, buy a generator and extra gas cans to fuel it. Live in the middle of the state? It does not matter. We had little to no problems with a storm here only to have it rip up the central cities with their theme parks and water slides who felt like they were safe. My family called us from the north-central part of Florida to offer shelter from a seriously nasty storm named Charley that was headed almost directly at our backyard. Mind you the storm was several miles across so that was a fairly approximate target area. We had a lot of rain and wind, a scary time to be sure. We never lost power, water, needed a single battery and opened only the 12 ounce cans from the icy depths of the cooler. Those same family members who were so sure we were going to be wiped out, they lost power for days, had trees down all over and could not travel certain roads, damage to homes and forced to eat canned foods that would not heat up no matter how many batteries they used. Go figure. This isn’t to say we don’t get our share of nasty weather. We got thru many storms with nary an issue. This didn’t stop me from buying supplies lest we get a surprise visit from the local authorities (meteorologists, not police) to be sure we had followed their instructions and had our copy of the hurricane handbook in plain sight on top of the family bible. We had one stretch of 6 weeks that brought severe thunderstorms that caused trees to fall and damage homes, power to go out for a couple of hours and the driveway to fill with rain water runoff. There was one storm with severe lightning that actually popped a utility line for power that burned through the cable and phone lines as it fell. That left us cut off from everything for 8 hours!!! We were prepared, had water and batteries and canned goods so we were fine. The Red Cross was not called this time. Truthfully I did use a battery powered box fan to keep the air moving as it was very warm and with the massive rainfall it was indeed humid with no AC running. I was home with our daughter, who was about 1 ½ at the time, and that little fan kept us cool, we played games (including a few battery powered ones) and we didn’t open the fridge more than we had to so it was fine. I did have my cell phone and food was delivered, but I never said my definition of ‘roughing it’ was primitive. Summertime is indeed filled with surprises in the outdoor conditions area. We have days where you can actually open your doors and windows and enjoy a nice breeze filled with the scents of summer without fear of heat stroke happening right in front of your TV. Mind you, we live near the coast so some days those breezes even bring a hint of the sea to our door. This is great most of the time, like having your own private air freshener scent without the spray cans. In the event of red tide, which kills off sea life and lets it wash ashore in piles that block the coveted views people pay quite a lot of money for, then the breeze is not so welcome as it will cause even the heartiest of souls to wrinkle their noses and begin a coughing spell that will cause you to gulp more air, which leads to more coughing and so on. Nasty circle of events it is. Many summer days begin with brilliant clear skies and soft breezes that make you walk outdoors and spin in circles while taking it all in like you see in those TV commercials for fabric softener sheets. Then you think, “What a great day to make lunch, grab a magazine or just sit out on the patio and enjoy the lovely day” but what you don’t know is by the time you change into shorts, make a sandwich, grab your magazine and a drink it has begun to rain hard enough that you can’t even see the lounge chair in which you planned to flop back and enjoy the no longer great weather. This will result in you sulking about and possibly deciding to call someone to tell them about the weather, and by the time you find the phone and call them, the rain has stopped and it is beautiful outside again. There is a problem with this second round of sunny, beautiful weather. Think about how most moist heat saunas work and it will come to you. Open your door now and the very breath will be sucked from your lungs and you will instantly be covered in sweat just from the labor of trying to breathe this wet, hot air. One other thing about the mood swings of weather here. Storms tend to pop up and move on quickly and I tend to be watching for this more than anyone in history according to my husband. Upon seeing the approach of a storm, I will usually say “looks like there’s some weather headed for us” which causes my husband’s face to contort and the same statement to be made – “weather is all over, it does not ‘head for us’ and it doesn’t refer to only the bad stuff; there is a STORM headed for us, not WEATHER”. However, he knew exactly what I meant so apparently my choice of terminology isn’t that far off the mark. The fact is, yes, Florida has a lot of heat and heat related events. It is rainy here sometimes. Sometimes we suffer droughts and wildfires. This state is not for the faint of heart, you have to be ready to get prepared and then change gears and prepare for the next thing before the first thing even gets to you. Maybe this is our form of gambling since casinos are not big here. It is indeed a crap shoot.