Welcome kits for people moving to Florida I guess if people are going to insist on continuing to move to Florida from other places where they have lived their lives just fine until seeing all the fun we have here, then the least we can do is make them feel welcome. In this line of thinking, I have come up with a “Welcome to Florida” kit that should make the transition a bit easier. Each kit will contain the basic items, plus we can customize it with a few extras as they apply. BASIC KIT: Welder’s mask. These people have no idea how strong the sun is here in Florida, but this should help them until they can build up the calluses on their eyes that are needed to survive. Plus this will protect them from the repeated smacks to the head they will surely be dealt for coming here and trying to tell us how wonderful life was back in wherever they came from and how things were done better/faster/bigger there. If it was so damned wonderful, why are you here? List of Dermatologists: They will become your best friend, especially when you don’t heed the warnings about the sun and start having “spots” show up on you in places maybe the sun hasn’t even seen. Plus this way we won’t have to be sitting down to eat while you discuss your various skin disorders and how they ooze, bleed and turn colors. Loudly. Turn Signal Replacement Bulb: There will only be one, it’s all you will use anyway. Given that turn signal bulbs are made in the same fashion as other light bulbs, they have a use limit before they will simply ‘blow’ and stop working. All vehicles come with a working set, at least 4 bulbs installed at the outer corners of your vehicle. At some point, they will begin to give out and when the first one happens, you will change the bulb. Then you will notice how many times people make turns or lane changes without benefit of using the signal. At first, you will be outraged, make a fuss and maybe a gesture. Then slowly, it will start to seem like a good idea. Why use up the short life of your turn signal so quickly? What if you only used it every-other time you needed to – this will double the life span of the bulb! Once you have accepted this as a good idea, your penny pinching early bird eating self will decide that if you only use it on the 3rd Tuesday of the month, and only then if its foggy that morning (no matter what time of day you drive)…suddenly this bulb is lasting for years longer than it was supposed to. Next thing you know, you have gone into full blown “Save the Bulbs” mode and you just no longer use the damn things at all. See? One is all you will need. You are allowed to donate your bulb to your buddy who takes the opposite approach and leaves his signal on for 90% of his driving life. List of Endangered Species to watch for: We have a few species here that are in danger of being wiped out completely. It is a good idea to know which ones to keep a look out for because if you are found doing harm upon, feeding stuff to or aiming your car at in an attempt to see how fast they really are, you could be arrested, fined large sums of money or at least frowned at forcefully. Let’s review some of them. Sandhill Cranes: pretty birds, smaller than an Emu, bright red feathers on their heads. Very tight with the mates and keep the chicks (little cranes, not girls) close. They can be seen in a variety of parking lots, along side busy highways and streets and on golf courses. I think some of the areas in which they ‘hang out’ may be directly contributing to the decline in their numbers. They don’t really get out of the way of cars, more so they look at them in wonder as they come REALLY close. Gopher Tortoises: Look a lot like turtles but they live on dry land. They do like water and tend to cross roads and highways to get to a body of water. As they are tortoises they do this really slowly and likely this is not good for keeping a lot of them alive. It is okay to stop in the road (check for traffic first), hit your flashers and remove the tortoise to the side of the road safely. If you do this, don’t hold it up near your body – it will pee on you. I think the rapid mobility scares them. Florida Panthers and Bobcats: They are really pretty and really fast so you likely won’t get to see many. Plus they get killed a lot. Given the speed of these cats, for them to get hit by a car means the car was going WAY too fast in the first place, but no one seems to get that connection. Drive the speed limit, watch for wildlife. Not hard. They were here first and they should have right of way. If you do see one in your yard, DON’T try to pet it. They are beautiful but will attack. If one is between you and your house, go ahead and find other accommodations. At least for the night. Actual Florida Natives: We are easy to spot. We are everything you want to be; only we don’t have to work at it. Don’t approach too fast, think before you speak to one and remember we were here first. Sad to say, but our numbers are indeed dwindling. Relaxation tools: I don’t want to get into trouble by insisting that newcomers be injected with narcotics. They will have ample opportunity to sample them on their own later. I do think if the following items are used properly, it just might help them adjust. Do be careful that you don’t OD on this, the combination is addicting. A “Hawaiian” shirt. Yes, you are moving into Florida and yet the welcome kit has a “Hawaiian” shirt. If it makes you feel better, call it an “island style” shirt. Hard to be a jerk in a loudly colored flowing shirt that likely has flowers, parrots and tropical drinks all over it. A seashell and/or shark tooth necklace. Its hard to be stressed with these things around your neck, no one would take you seriously anyway. A bottle of “Hawaiian Tropic” suntan lotion. Not sunscreen, not oil, just the old standard. When you smell this stuff for more than 10 minutes a day, you can’t be anything but relaxed. By the way, it might say “Hawaiian Tropic” but it is made in Florida. A Jimmy Buffet CD. My personal choice would be what I refer to as “the yellow album” because the entire jacket is yellow and has red letters on it but I forget the title. It might be Margaritaville, it might be a ‘greatest hits’ album. Does not matter. If you listen to Jimmy, you will find yourself loving island life before you know what it even is. Flip flops. Get over your loafers and workboots, these are the shoe of choice in Florida. They are not comfortable until you break them in so quit bitching about how they hurt between your toes and give it a day or two. DO NOT wear socks with Flip Flops unless you just want your ass kicked. Cold beer or frozen drink. As they say, “It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere. Just go with it. Go to a hole in the wall bar in midday. Sip your drink outside on the deck. Go to a Tiki Bar – any Tiki Bar – and take it all in. Extras: What the hell else could you need? You just got a kick ass welcome kit that will have you fitting in and feeling good in no time. You need more? Wal-Mart is open 24 hours a day, go get it your damn self. I am gonna sit right here in my Hawaiian shirt, reeking of coconut scented lotion with my flip flops on the floor under my crossed ankles up on the railing around the Tiki Bar and drink my frosty beverage while singing with Jimmy. I aint moving.